Thursday, February 18, 2010

Anonymous Questions left me with an anonymous question in the night that I am trying to work out to myself. The anonymous tone of this website, intended for silly distraction seems to also bring up a strangely honest strain of delivery from the answerer, if the right questions are asked. Some answers can be comfortably belayed by witty and funny answers, others not so much.

When being asked questions about yourself anonymously, you can't formulate what you should say based on what you think would appease the person asking, so you have to answer based on your own satisfaction with your response (honestly?). So to whomever asked, if you are reading, you hit a very raw nerve.

The Question:
At the moment, right before sleep and dreams take you, when the stars fade away... what is the thing that terrifies you most?
Seems innocuous enough of a question, with what would be an outwardly stock answer. Being me, I can't really ever just let things go that simply though, and I toyed with just bypassing this with something ridiculous- but that would have nagged at my conscience for pretending that it didn't bother me at all, so I answered:

I've answered, deleted and reanswered this about 20 times now.

How strange that I should get this question. I woke up sobbing in the night, because I'd had a terrible nightmare that my son had been murdered. I'd dreamed as far as a funeral preparation when Neil woke me up. I want to forget it because it's going to haunt me for days. I haven't had a nightmare in probably a year that I can remember, so weird.

I know it's cliche to answer, "Something happening to my kids", so I'll try and put it more eloquently for those who don't understand the deep impact of that statement: I used to have all kinds of phobias for my own life, but they've since transformed into fear for the lives of my children. Having children is like cutting your heart out and letting it walk around outside of your own body. It's constant emotional torture and you never get used to it or feel comfortable knowing you've taken a risk that might completely destroy your life, should that heart be taken away or hurt. Who can live without their heart? You never get used to slowly losing control over that heart and it's nearly impossible to bite your tongue when you know it's headed toward pain or possible danger (real or implied).

This is why mothers are ALL lunatics; we are all living in constant fear of something happening to these reckless little pieces of our own hearts being carried away, and if we no longer have them, our blood won't pump through our veins and no air will get to our lungs and we'll wither away. That being said, you cannot let your kids live in a safety bubble, so you have to basically kill a part of yourself so that you can allow them to take steps in their lives to become successful, free thinking people unto themselves- which is what you want, right? Because if you don't do that, you run the risk of severing the bond yourself and it will all flutter away.

So call your Mom, A-hole.

I lost my niece in October and I saw my sister's contorted face in a hotel room as she fell to the floor repeatedly, begging God and anyone to make it stop, and I held her up because she couldn't even walk and knew that there is just nothing that can make that heal. Nothing and nobody. There are no pills, no magic answers to soothe, no salve and I don't believe that time heals it- it just drags it out. It will be a fresh, gaping & crippling wound for ever for her. I can't think of anything more terrifying. I can't even think about this without trembling.

I am thankful that I got to wake from my nightmare last night.

I'm glad of this question, I do hope more, less entrenching questions arrive than this, though. It rears it's head up and then must be buried for a while in joy so as not to completely consume and turn me raw.

So there. I was upfront and serious for a minute. Now enter my contest, there is only one day left.


Jen O. said...

Very, very well said. I'm sorry for your and your sister's loss. There is nothing, NOTHING, in this world worse than losing a child.

A Vapid Blonde said...

That was such an open analogy (?) of what it must feel like to have children. Terrifying at its most base level.

*mary* said...

"You've taken a risk that might completely destroy your life"- so well said.

I definitely have these worries, anxieties and nightmares. You are right. This IS why all mothers are lunatics.

Keet said...

I love you. Just sayin'.
And I would have entered your contest, but I don't have any of my STUFF here. And I have ugly STUFF.
I almost bought a dream catcher today to enter with, but then I thought that I'd have this beautiful dreamcatcher that was made in London by the north-american aboriginal london community, and not know what to do with it.

Chelle said...

Vapid- It's ridiculously scary.

*mary* We are nuts for doing it.

Keet- I have a picture of you wearing a hot-dog hat....

Tony said...

Moms are the greatest. God...I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have kids. Oy...Now I'm scared. Thanks a lot! :)

Buzzardbilly said...

The little cousin I used to babysit was killed in an accident at age 9. For decades, I had serious trouble bonding with children, much less thinking of going through the panic attacks of having one.

Less entrenching question: If you could prove the existence of any of the cryptid creatures who can't be proven (Nessie, yetis, Bigfoot, Champ, the chupacabra, etc.), which would it be and how would you like the proof/truth finding to go?

Mandy's Kidding said...

Thank you for this. Steam Me Up, Kid sent me here.

Chelle said...

Thanks for reading!

Sandra said...

i know

Chelle said...

I know you do, Sandra. This made me cry for you.

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