Wednesday, February 24, 2010

No good conversation ever began with the words, "My Dad cut my hair once..."




See my beautiful baby girl who does NOT need a haircut? Before...

Dear Fathers of the Universe & World:

If you ever get the notion in your helpful brain that you should, in fact, cut your daughter's lovely hair as a 'surprise' for your wife, I'm going to go ahead and advise you that this is not a plan that will earn you brownie points, unless you are, in fact, Vidal Sassoon. Whom you are not. All brownie points earned thus far will be VOID. NULL AND VOID AND NULL. You will be in brownie point debt. Hell even. Dog House Brownie Point HELL. No brownies will ever be made again unless I happen to crave them.

You may not cut her hair. EVER. Even if it 'seems' long. Even if there is a plane propeller, a wild badger, grandma's pacemaker, gum, bread dough, a money clip full of money, a hot wheels track, Amy Winehouse's weird legs, a barbie head, an airplane banner, car parts, an Olympic medal, a missing person, the power line, your iphone, the holy grail, a basket of kittens, Jesus, a chainsaw, chicken wire, you career, a machine gun or the meaning of life tangled into it. Just step backward with the scissors and consult the girl's mother. If someone has broken in and has placed a gun to your head, instructing you to cut your daughter's bangs off at their source, stall them until your wife can get there so that you can ask her if it's okay. Which it isn't.


She's 2 and even she knows she's ticked.

Secondly, choosing the day that she falls on her face and gets herself a HUGE goose egg in the middle of her forehead is not a good time to lop off said "hidey hair". She now looks like Mick Jagger after a particularly druggy show and I'm going to have to explain it to everyone. Stranger: "AwWWww, what happened to her?" Me: "Yeah, her Dad did that" Then the stranger gasps and dials up the cops... Hassle.

Thirdly. You chose a mullet. My beautiful baby girl has an honest to God mullet. If you wake up with a picture of a clown crudely shaved into the side of your head- do not be surprised. It took me a YEAR to grow out the natural mullet she was born with. A YEAR.

Look: She has the same haircut now as this guy from, "don't judge my hair dot com".


After.

The only way you can tell that the following photo is not a true picture of her, is because she doesn't have an addam's apple or a shaving cut on her neck in real life.
All kinds of creepy.

Love Michelle.



PS....Edited to add:
Photobucket
Nope. It didn't magically get better overnight.
:(


I'm too mad to care about grammar.

34 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

He does have mad hair cutting skills.

Dr Zibbs said...

Now THAT is some hair!

Kate said...

Neil couldn't have attended to those brows while he was at it? Psh.



WV: I kid you not, it's BALDS! Hilarious. Neil done almost ruined my chillin's mullet hair and made her go balds.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Oh hell, no! The Evil Twin constantly implores me to get Sissy's hair cut. No. I will not get it cut. I don't care if it makes it hard for him to get her in her booster seat. I don't give a rat's ass. She's my girl and she will have loads of hair. ;-)

Tony said...

Oh my...your daughter looks extremely angry in the second picture. Poor girl...

*mary* said...

Oh, Neil. What were you thinking? Good thing she's adorable no matter what.

Chelle- it's not just men who do this. My grandma gave me this exact cut but I was FIVE! Not so cute then. It's just known as the 'Grandma Cooper haircut' in my family. Though, at the time I was lovingly referred to as Baby Frankenstein.

Memorieees...

Amber said...

Wow. Just Wow. I hope eleanore is a hat person...

wv: I kid you not, it's Boose. Hah...that's just too easy.

'Neil was drinking too much of da Boose when he up and cut his daughters bangs.'

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

No WAY!

Well, like Mary said, at least she's adorable no matter what.

Kristen said...

I'm laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

word ver: mating (which ultimately leads to mullet type haircuts)

Kristen said...

I'm laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

word ver: mating (which ultimately leads to mullet type haircuts)

josée said...

OMG I can't believe he did that!!! I would kill my husband. I have to ask, why????? What in the world would posses him to decide to cut her hair? My husband won't even cut the kids' nails!
She is such a cutie, thank goodness, and bangs grow back super-fast so just hang in there. When we were kids, my mom would take us all (2 girls, 1 boy) to my grandfather's and he'd sit us on a chair, put "the haircut bowl" over our heads, and cut our hair one after the other. There was no "girl" bowl and "boy" bowl, just "the bowl", so we all had the exact same haircut for years. Ick.

mylittlebecky said...

holy lord! i'm trying to think of ways to make it better, a hair clip? a head band? nope, i think it's going to be time that heals all wounds.

I'VE GOT IT! *she* gets to cut *his* hair. problem solved. you're welcome.

mylittlebecky said...

ps she is SO cute! :)

Chelle said...

Loach- Mad, yes.

Zibbs- It WAS some hair. Now it's Frankenbilly.

Kate- Neil may not attend to anything ever again.

Evil Twin's Wife- EXACTLY. It was MY hair to decide things about. Neil is a hair terrorist.

Tony- we're ALL angry.

*mary* You know.. maybe Neil IS senile...

Chelle said...

Amber- Mom is tie into da boose now dat her baby has been stylized.

SHST- Way. Way way way.

Kristen- Well if that's the case, we won't have to worry about mullet style haircuts for a lOOoooOOoong time.

josee- My mom is a stylist, so we grew up with meticulously stylish hair. Except when I cut the sides off of mine. My mom made me wear barettes for a year to hide it.

Becky- I SHOULD let her cut Neil's hair.

Krëg said...

Ha!

Elly Lou said...

I have this same fight with my husband every time he shaves the cat.

Vic said...

I can't tell you how much I needed a laugh today, Chelle! You came through big time.

And you are SO right - luckily, she's still adorable, even with a reinstated mullet.

The morphed picture is going to give me nightmares, however.

Chelle said...

Am I wrong if I think that she is kind of less adorablewith this haircut? For the amount that I think she is less adorable, I am making up in feeling sorry for her and myself, though.

She looks like 4 from Multiplicity. She looks like baby Joaquin Pheonix.

Chelle said...

She looks like Marbles Harsgrove. Youtube it.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I'm sorry. I laughed.

Just look at it this way, at least she didn't cut her own hair. That usually makes things irreparable. At least Husband you can get mad at and it will be legal.

By the way, my roommate and I are in agreement, you should shave Husbands hair off while he sleeps, you know, to even the score.

e l a n a said...

I'm leaving a comment on your blog to let you know that I have linked your awesome blog on my pathetic excuse for a blog. Please come by and show my blog some love so that I will continue to blog more.

Blog.

Kate said...

The lingering question in Kate's head: How on earth did you find a random internetty photo that so aptly captured your precious daughter's hacked-up bangs? How, Michelle?

Chelle said...

e l a n a- I'll check it out!

Kate: I google imaged, "uneven bangs" I believe, or 'bad haircut" and there it was, staring me directly in the face. I had a whole different joke about this lined up until I saw it.

Chelle said...

Christina- He can't figure out why I'm so upset. :(

Mandy's Kidding said...

My mother did that to my bangs. I got over it. It only took ten years of psychotherapy.

PS: I'm sending this cautionary tale to my husband. We're having a daughter in 7 weeks. It's best to be prepared.

Chelle said...

Mandy- Yes. Hold his face to the montior and spray him with water while saying, "NO!" firmly.

Maelstrom said...

I cut my son's hair. The daughter's hair my wife shortened once, and we talked about it. Only people getting paid for it cut the daughter's hair now.

ajm said...

Just found your blog and laughed so hard at this post, I gave you a blog award over on my blog. Stop by and pick it up, though I doubt it will make your daughter's hair grow faster. Maybe for the next holiday, you could purchase your hubby one of those Barbie heads to practice on?

http://alittlebitrocknroll.blogspot.com

Chelle said...

Maelstrom- Do you belong to the fb group "daddy haircuts" yet?

Ajm- An Award, eh? I never turn down awards.

KeepingYouAwake said...

Please tell me you bought her a fashionable hat, or a wig, right?

Chelle said...

Not only did I buy her one but other charitable people came to my door with hats for her.

allison, a flea circus said...

yeah. that's hella bad of him. fortunately your daughter is still adorable, with that face and all, but hair not so good. my mom did this to me when i was three. i'm afraid of people who cut hair now just like i am of dentists, after that whole childhood incident "my dentist was arrested for abuse and molestation" thing. really. the right thing to do is a weave. you know, just til it grows back out. by the way, i'm 40, and obsessively keep my hair long. but back then? i taped yarn to my hair and threw a kickass fit if my mom tried to remove it before we went out. i also cut up her new shower curtain. yeah. this shit sticks.

p.s. do NOT look for my blog, if indeed, even have one. it is NOT worthy. NOT NOT NOT worthy. i have four kids. no time to really figure out how to write well. also, i may not be manic enough. the zoloft helps, but dulls my wit.

Cake Betch said...

I might have just pissed myself from laughing. And by might I mean most definitely. And I'm at work. My boss probably won't appreciate this.

Totally worth it.

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