Friday, April 16, 2010

How to get diaper rash cream out of your child's hair in 1000 easy steps

I am writing this because I wish desperately that someone would have made a blog like this this morning. It probably won't be terribly interesting for those of you who don't have to deal with this.


So your toddler applied an inch thick layer of zinc based diaper rash cream to their little body, eh? Anyone who has ever come into contact with this stuff KNOWS.... They KNOW that you could waterproof a loaf of bread with this. It is the most sinister, hopeless and single most difficult substance to remove from hair on this earth. Crude oil is easier to remove from your child's bouncing follicles of joy (dawn dish detergent). Especially if you have a girl and don't want to shave her head and have her look like a circa 1865 Irish orphan. It seems to attach to hair follicles on an atomic level.

I've found a solution, and for a mere $30, I'll email it to you. Just kidding, (unless you are here specifically looking for a solution because like me, you googled this. You'll send me the $30 once this works for you out of gratitude). None of the solutions I googled worked... but a SERIES of solutions did.

My daughter did this today. In 45 seconds, a flash, she dug her pink little fists deep into the canister of wretched bum cream and began to paste herself, efficiently and with purpose. She could give lessons to the military on how to apply bum cream to their hair and body with critical speed and accuracy.

This is the substance that is designed to keep baby's delicate skin from being burned from the inevitable hours of urine ammonia that it is exposed to until the glorious day that they are potty trained. Got a leak in your submarine? This is your stuff. I really think that the military could benefit from the use of it somehow. Like drop bum cream bombs on the enemy. Nobody gets killed, yet it is still terribly inconvenient and labor intensive to remove. They will surrender.

Anyhow, enough talking about it. Don't take all of your ant-depressants just yet, this can be dealt with. Roll up your sleeves, here is how I got it out:

Supplies: Lard, baking soda, vinegar, lemon juice, coca cola classic (name brand, not pepsi or other kinds), baby shampoo, a fine toothed comb, Dawn brand dish detergent, baby soap, clean dishcloths that you can part with, old towels, a sense of humor, booze.


Step one: Find your toddler:

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"Mommy, a MUSS"

Now, it doesn't look like she has a ton of diaper cream in her hair in this photo, but keep in mind that I had to get her from this spot downstairs to the top of the stairs and get her undressed and into a bath. That is about two entire extra minutes that she had to get some prime smearing in. I didn't have time to photo document it as well as I might have liked while dealing with Miss Greased Lightning 2010 here.

First, though, wipe the ointment off of her tongue and give her a drink. Then you can begin.



Step Two:

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If you saw the back, you would understand the depth of this. I was a little too preoccupied to do a full photographic spread.

Put your toddler in very warm water (not hot, obviously). At this point, pretend that there is no diaper cream in your child's hair and concentrate on getting it off of her arms & hands to reduce further smearing. You'll find that soap alone is not getting it off of her.

Use the lard and then dish soap. Not shortening; use non-vegan, animal fat lard (like tenderflake but no name lard is fine). Lard is miraculous for removing petroleum based layers of guck from children. Even road tar comes off your child like a dream with lard. A stick of lard is like a Mr Clean Tar-Eraser.

Drain the tub, take your baby out of it and clean it with scalding water.

Refill the tub. Put child back in new tub of warm water and wash her again with baby soap.




Step 3- Starting to deal with the hair.

Start by shampooing with regular baby shampoo and a fine toothed comb to get as much out as possible. You'll probably have to drain and refill the tub again after this. Lots of draining and refilling.

Next, you want to make a paste out of 1 tbsp vinegar, 1 teaspoon baking soda and one tablespoon of lemon juice. Work it into a lather and leave it in your child's hair for 2 minutes, wash that out with dishsoap. Rinse with water. Don't condition it.

Take your child out of the tub, dry them off and give them a break from being scrubbed. Their hair will still be horrendous. You will still be able to shape it like it is made of plasticine.

This is pretty intense for a toddler and she'll need a break. Let her hair dry. Once her hair is dry, completely coat it in lots of baking soda to absorb some of the oil. Let her run around and play with the baking soda in her hair. The longer it's in, the better. At least 15 minutes.

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Why did powdered wigs EVER go out of style??




Step 4:

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Run another bath. deposit your toddler. Don't get her hair wet with water just yet. Rinse the baking soda out with Coca Cola Classic. Pour it over her hair (cover her eyes with a face-cloth) and lather it with the baking soda. Rub your fingers gently into the baby's scalp for about a minute. Don't rinse.

Next shampoo her hair with DAWN dish detergent. ( I am not endorsing dawn because they are sending me money, I am endorsing it because it is oil based and is the most effective in removing petroleum products from hair/feathers etc. It's what they use to clean the crude oil from baby ducks.) **PS, I'm usually a no-name brand sort of gal.

Honestly, repeat the coke/dawn step about 4 times then shampoo with baby shampoo. Again, don't condition (I made the mistake).

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Tada!


This should just about take care of it. I think I'm going to have to use dawn/coke one more time later, but it is basically all out. I will do that after dinner because she's getting ever so slightly irritable with having things poured onto her.

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It's still a little greasy, but at least you can go out in public and old women won't accost you for having a child who's hair has clearly not been washed ever in her entire life.

To clean your tub, use boiling water to melt most of the petroleum that has now built up into a slimy sludge. Vinegar & baking soda or your regular cleaner should take care of it after that.




Step Five: (The most important step)
Put children to bed, drink an entire bottle of wine and be grateful that it was not poop.


47 comments:

ajm said...

Oh my GOD. But she is so terribly cute that you will just gobble her up even if she does that ten more times, right? PHEW, Lordy. You deserve a girl scout badge or something for making it through that one, mama.

Also, her hair appears to be growing in nicely. :)

Janet Liston Watkins said...

You and I have very different days at home. May the force be with you.

Ryan Phillips said...

This is why Charlotte won't let me keep diaper rash cream in the house anymore.
Apparently this "scared" her.
Pshh... like I would do that.
It does look fun though...

Samantha said...

Your little one is absolutely GORGEOUS!!

I am going to have to keep this on file for the day when mine gets old enough to do this to me :)

Chelle said...

ajm- It is growing back. I just cut it into a cute little bob last night. Of course, she diaper creamed it. My oldest don diaper creamed his head into a perfect little helmet, but being a boy- I just shaved it.

Ryan- I can't wait until you and Charlotte have kids. I am more excited than your parents.

Samantha- Yes, file it away. You will need it. I wrote it to help the world.

Elly Lou said...

What. The. Fuck.

Why on earth would anyone lick diaper cream?!?! I... She... But...

So many levels of ew. I'm going to go dig out my uterus with a spoon.

Chelle said...

Awww... don't do that! Diaper cream looks exactly like marshmallow cream.

Logical Libby said...

You should be sainted. I probably would have just shaved her head.

Amber said...

Wow. Just wow. That first picture, with those little white paste hands, kills me, I love it so much. I mean I understand how annoying(understatement) this was for you, but from my side, these pictures are gold!

Ells said...

Thank you. I'm turning 30 soon, and my body is turning on me and my ovaries hurt when I see babies these days, but I'm not quite ready. This story helps me stay strong and keep taking that pill.

(Except for all the cuteness almost counteracts the story. The pigtails? Oy vay.)

Awesomeness said...

My 3-year old did that same thing not too long ago with a big tub of A & D balm. In the playpen.

I had to scrape that crap off of all the toys in there, then the bottom of the playpen, then somehow I got it out of the mesh walls of the pen. (This involved a 2-wash-cloths-at-the-same-time technique.)

My kid looked like she needed a bath for 4 days. :(

Cate said...

And now that I've read this, mine will do it tommorrow. Thanks! All your advice will be very useful. :)

Seriously though, could the pictures be any cuter? And your obvious distress even while taking them makes them even more awesome. Sorry you had to live through it! :)

Twisted Susan said...

You've helped people today.

dufmanno said...

Mother of god!
I've got to give you credit, when my daughter did this I gave her one quick bath, put her hair in a ponytail and put her to bed hoping the sheets would rub most of it off.
Points for not having a panic attack when you saw it on her tongue. I'm all like "POISON CONTROL, GET HERE NOW!"
That's why they don't answer my calls anymore

mylittlebecky said...

i almost can't wait to have one of my very own. she is just squeezable.

Sarah said...

Can I just say that I LOVE your daughter's rain boots? Are those pink cats? Your daughter is adorable :)

I'm curious as to what happens when you DO condition the hair? You make it seem very ominous. "Don't condition the hair. Or. Else."

Chelle said...

They are her, "neow" boots. I love them too.

Conditioning basically seals in the diaper cream.

rena said...

how the hell did you know to do all that? that process was clear evidence of some military-like baby training. good to know though! (ive got a 15 month old with sticky fingers). cheers!

Anonymous said...

I love this entry and your blog! I laughed when I read what she was able to do! You have definitely a lot of work to do! Love the pics! She's so cute!

Bob E Eats said...

Came across your blog while checking online after our 18 month son smeared diaper cream all over his head today.
Thanks for the humerous insight and relief. That is the stickiest-stickass shit ever. He actually got some in his eyes but we flushed it and he seems OK - shampooed his hair like crazy He is napping now - I may shave his head when he wakes up. Unfortunately we were too shocked when we saw his white creamy head to gather enough journalistic fortitude to take photos.
I read the rest of your Blog - It's pretty cool.
- We may reference the diaper cream post through one of our blogsites ---> GTAparent.com or Urbanmoms.ca/mom inc.

enjoy Ottawa or wherever you're from...

- Bob E Eats
Etobicoke Ont.

Chelle said...

Ottawa, yep! Go ahead and reference, I was desperate for information on how to deal, and there just wasn't enough out there. Thx for reading.

Amy said...

OMG, LOVE your blog!!!! I'm dealing with this now and called the 1-800 and they laughed and said it will come out eventually, really like in 50 years. My daughter is almost 3 and has hair almost to her waist. I've washed it 5 times last night. 3 times with AJAX, once with Gain laundry detergent and then shampoo again, oh and put the baking powder and vinegar in between that when it was dry. She still looks like an orphan that has not washed her hair. My husband is coming home with the Coke, lemon juice and DAWN. Your every detail is hilarious cause it's so true. And I'm about to start on the wine! If I wasn't laughing I'd be crying!

Chelle said...

I get a kick out of my blog stats now. At least 2 people per day come to my blog by searching "How to get diaper cream out of hair".

Let me know how it goes!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I was so joking about doing a goggle search on this. I kinda thought maybe something would be there but very unlikely! I come home from work today and was told by my husband that my 3 year old has done that very thing. Thank you sooooo much for the blog I will go try that in just a few!!! You are just wonderful!!!!

Karen and Scott said...

I'm trying this now. The diaper cream, Triple Paste, was used by my two and three year old daughters to cover the carpet, an upholstered chair, themselves, and especially their hair. I've washed both heads of hair at least ten times, twice with Dawn. DD1 hair looks a little better, but we've only done the Dawn/Coke thing twice - she really hates it. We had to stop in the middle for a swimming lesson, so maybe the chlorine helped. DD2 is sitting around in a diaper with a white head baking soda head waiting for DH to come home to resume the activity. I'll let you know if I'm successful!

Karen and Scott said...

I forgot to say thanks for posting this!

Karen and Scott said...

Worked like a charm. Thanks for making my kids look normal again!

Momma Webba said...

My child did this today, and I gave up on trying to clean her. This will be the plan for tomorrow, as I can not continue anymore tonight, lol. Thanks for posting it! It looks like it works and I am desperate at this point... Any tips on getting the crap off of furniture, such as TVs and Wood?

Chelle said...

Baby wipes should take it off of wood & plastic!

Chelle said...

Karen- I'm glad it worked!!

Shellywellydoodlealltheday said...

This is amazing! Alex did this too. In the time it took me to put the soiled nappy in the bin he had fully coated both hands to his wrists and covered the bottom of his face filling his mouth in the process. He then tried to shake it off. When I turned back to him I was greeted by a small figure wearing White gloves and badly applied white lipstick, doing 'jazz hands'. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out that it was bum cream and not a treat sized ghost of Al Jolson.

Sasha said...

Oh man, I have BEEN THERE!

Except, with actual poop.

You know nothing grosses you out when the three year old covered in their own excrement comes running fown the stairs screaming proudly about having "pooped on the pooty", and the only emotion you feel is proud.

At least she was acurate. She did poop on the potty. And the floor. And, somehow, the walls...

Anonymous said...

This happened today with my twin boys covering each other with it. Their hair was covered and all of their clothes and arms and face. I could just see their eyes opening wide knowing that they were in trouble when I found them. They have walked it all through the carpet in our family room and I just can't get it out of the green carpet. I've started on your recommendations, can only hope that it all comes out. All the toys that they also smeared it on are sitting in the vanity sink, I may get to them in a weeks time when I sort everything else out. The cream is now in the bin.

Anonymous said...

OMG!! ty so very much!! my son today got his hair covered and body in diaper rash cream!!
i relized how hard it was to get off, and i find just what i need it
i m so happy that for some reason i had lard in my fridge!!
i just had the poor boy cover from head to toe in it. and then washed off with dish soap 3 times and finish 1 time with baby soap.
he still have the lard smell but at least the diaper cream is gone.

Anonymous said...

We used mayonnaise - 2 washes with this and then
followed up with Dawn dishsoap. We did a final wash with baby shampoo/bodywash just to be sure. Did the trick.
Probably similar effect from lard or other fats that can
dissolve the grease.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Love the post and the comments. Thanks for the laughs--and the reminder that my kids aren't the only lightning fast mischievous sneaks out there!

Anonymous said...

Thank heavens for this blog..my four yr old decided to have fun with the diaper cream today..i googled how to get diaper cream out of hair and this came up..we ended up using the mayo,dishsoap and shampoo combo and thank god it worked..my baby looks like a normal child again..

Anonymous said...

Funny. Good informtion. Thanks for making me smile.
mstupen@comcast.nt

marisa o'Connor said...

I'm pretty sure our children should never meet. I can't even imagine what they would think up to do. Thank you for this post. I only used dawn dish soap, and it came out of my boys' very short hair. As for the stuffed animals, they did not fare quite as well. May have to try coke and then dawn on the one that did not come clean.

baby grow said...

My favorite way to treat diaper rash involved letting my toddler run around sans diaper for as long as I could. That's not always possible, however, so when he had to be clothed I tried a variety of home remedies and commercial concoctions.

Anonymous said...

This happened to us too. Shampoo did nothing. What worked like a charm was olive oil and then shampooing. This was after about four regular shampoos, so those may have helped too. Good luck to those who have this happen!

Anonymous said...

Oh no! Crying with laughter, and a few real tears because my kid just did this too. She looks like Albert Einstein lost a Crisco fight. Thank you, thank you for posting this.

James said...

This is amazing. My daughter put Desitin in her hair a few days ago and I posted to facebook for help and a friend of mine linked me to this. You have saved her hair, it is back to normal and I have you to thank, thank you so much!! Your little girl is gorgeous btw.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for this post. I used this on my hair when I forgot wash my hands after putting on lotion and then ran my fingers through my hair. Holy coW!! It looked like I hadn't washed my hair in a year. Thanks again..

jfbast said...

My 3 year old just smeared this in her hair and her 2 little friends that I was babysitting. I was panicked thinking their parents would get here before I got it out. Thank goodness this came up on google!

nathan anderson said...

Fast orange hand cleaner works great. It also makes the kids smell like an orange. Watch their eyes though it will sting a bit.

Boni Lady said...

Stumbled upon your blog from my google search- as did many other previous comments! Thanks for the tips- She is precious, BTW!!

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