Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Beach Vampire Bingo

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Eddie Cullen. Forks prom night, 1977. Who says you can't makeover hospital gowns into evening attire? Vampires have many varied skill sets.

So. I watched a Twilight movie. I know, you guys- but I needed to know what the fuss was about for people over the age of 25. I still need to know, because as far as I can tell, it's just a cacophony of depressed teenagers being extremely serious & deep (as teenagers are world renowned for) while running around in the forest, getting into predicaments and making out and then deciding NOT to make out at the last second because it's too dangerous. Seriously, it's like Stephanie Meyer found the deep, dark, black velvet-lined, thesaurus-ravaged poetry anthology that I wrote when I was fifteen and just filled it in here and there with sparkles. I hadn't thought of mixing my mom-making-me-do-my-chores induced depression with sparkly magic boyfriends or I would be filthy rich today. Plus none of my boyfriends were very sparkly OR magic , except the ones who have had braces (Sorry ex boyfriends who are no doubt pouring over this blog every day with their regrets for letting this gem get away. We can still be friends, some of you.)- but that is entirely beside the point.

There is a glaring piece of history in this novel that needs to be filled in *fingertap x3*: What was Edward Cullen doing between the years of 1901 and 2003? I'm sure he didn't just sit around twiddling his thumbs and draining cats. He seems like a stylish feller. I mean, sure, Bella Swan came along and blew him off his feet with her great attitude, because in allll those years, those DECADES AND DECADES, there was nobody more interesting than a pissy little 17 year old whiner with zero sense of humor and a ton of baggage. Uh huh. Not to mention, she smells like BBQ to him.What we learn here is that the way to a man's heart is solely through his stomach, which means that smelling like meat 24/7 = win for everyone!

In fact, since seeing it, every morning I dab a little bit of Dorito cheese powder behind my ears to drive Neil wild with lust. Then he's all, "I would kiss you right now, but I don't want to hurt you..." and I'm like, "DAMMIT, I overdid it when I switched to the cool ranch Dorito cheese powder." Then Neil is all, "I am leaving and never coming back. To protect you." So then I say, "Then I'm making friends with the neighbor's Pomeranian and when it turns into a real boy, I'm getting it to fix the minivan and then I'm jumping in front of a bus and you'll HAVE to come back. To save me." Then he's like, "Damn. You are clever. Let's get married" So then I say, " SHa. Right. I'd have to get divorced from my OTHER husband for that to happen, speaking of undead." Then we laugh and gaze at each other, then look away in pain. Then we almost makeout, but I have to run out of the room in my flowing dress. We're just like Edward & Bella, only like 30 years later or something- and with a mortgage and no time to sit in our bedrooms and pout from the months of October until March. Plus he's even older than me. What a dirty old perv, eh? Yeah totally.

AAaanyhoo, what this pedophile, Edward, has going for him though- is his dazzlingly great looks! Just like Luke Perry, he can still pass for 17 at the age of 38, 76 and finally 102! I'm sure there are more than a few priests out there who would give their eye teeth (if they have any left- ho ho ha ha hee, *sigh* funny funny stuff, Self.) to be immortalized as a sparkling 13 year old.. Nobody would eEEeeEEver suspect what kinds of shenanigans they were up to in their forever-disguises as adolescents. Not even the Pope. Anyhow, enough digressing about vampire *pedophiliac church deacons. I am actually here to discuss the metamorphosis of Mista Cullen:

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Ed on his way to his first Werewolf war. AwwWWww!

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What do you mean you didn't notice??


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Edward purchases his first automobile, 1920ish. What a wild day when he took it 4x4ing. Luckily he had the guns mounted on the roof loaded with silver bullets to ward off snickering werewolves when they could walk faster than he could drive and then later when he was cranking up the engine. He can't wait for trans-ams to be invented.

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Ed sporting his stylin' new zoot suit. What a riot!

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Just hangin' out with his satin, brocade dinner jacket, 1963. Chillin' out. Just Chillaxin' and being a vampire. He wasn't going to be any dirty 60s hippy; no, he was gonna be cruisin' the laydays...

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Edward adopts his 'animals only' vegetarian-vampire diet. Silly Edward confused monkeys with monkees.

Edward "Sazzle" Cullen briefly performs with the band, Queen. He could even go out in the sun for a while and people just thought his sparkles were sequins. This is when he was also experimenting with supertight perms.

Edday Cull-an. Fashioning hisself after the (almost?) late Leif Garret. Is that guy dead? I dunno. I'm not looking it up. WEET WOO! Old Ed has been a hearthrob through ALL the decades.
(Oh me, Oh my, OH NO! That vampire has a camel toe!)

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Edward attends a gladiator pool party in 1982, sadly he has to sit in the shadows and just watch even though he KNOWS he could beat those guys.. Poor Edward.

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Edward Cullen did some extra work for the popular family sitcom, ALF in the late 80s. Again, he had to be extra careful not to be caught under the show's lighting equipment so nobody would see his telltale vampire sparklies.

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Ed moves onto the 80s fashion scene nice. and. smooth-like. Here he is in his 76th 11th grade photo.

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Seriously? I'm the only one who noticed?

So, there we have a sneak peek into the history of Edward Cullen. I am going to go now and continue trying to figure out why grown people are excited about this. Don't we have enough on our plates dealing with REAL teenager mood swings? Why subject ourselves? I mean IIIII have a good reason. I need blog material. The rest of you. *tsk tsk* I am fascinated by this phenomenon. It's like adults buzzing about parent-trap or beach blanket bingo. I will never ever ever understand.



Where was Mr Cullen when all THIS was going on?


*is too a word. No... don't check.

24 comments:

Elly Lou said...

Can we dry hump now? I'll rub some bacon on my elbows. That post made me ridiculous happy.

Krëg said...

That's... uh... Man, that's just awful.

dbs said...

I suspect your Vanilla Ice theory is correct. (And how did you get a photo of my mullet circa Grade 11?)

mylittlebecky said...

down with twilight!!!... althoooough, i'd read your take on it. "edward cullen: the lost years" by chelly chelle

Wicked Shawn said...

OMJ, First, madly jealous of your photoshop skillz. Second, I am so disappointed at how much his head looks right on Vanilla Ice's body!!

erin said...

I am also jealous of your photoshopping skillz.

The Alf thing made me laugh loudly, which is not a good thing considering the baby is napping. It will be your fault if he wakes up now.

Chelle said...

Elly Lou- On your elbows, behind your knees and maybe at the small of your back?

Kreg: Awful/Incredibly genius and attractive and full of liquid awesomeism. Like Awesometron. What am I talking about? Oh yeah. Mice are disgusting, but I do agree that peanut butter sculpture traps will help. I think we can just agree to disagree about the rest.

dbs- Grade 11?? I thought that was your first year as a P.R.H.S. teacher. OH SNAP!

my little becky- My lovely little Becky. My sweet, little Beckers... I don't know what I'm talking about, as you may have noticed by reading my other comment responses. Also, someone in my house smells like poop. BRB.

Wicked- Disappointed in who? It's real. Think about the name. VANILLA ICE. Cold and white=Rob Pattinson/Edward Cullen/Whoever.

Erin- That will teach those Jehova's witnesses to wake up MY baby earlier. I can connect the dots until it's your fault if you like.

Yeah. Sorry about that, everyone.

loudmouthbear said...

Too awesome.

Chelle said...

Imagine how awesome it would be if I had actually put forth effort.

*mary* said...

My favorite is the Dandy Edward circa '63. And poor John Deacon of Queen, being replaced by someone with a little more sparkle. That would never happen to Roger Taylor.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Can I say I love you for this and not sound at all creepy? *sparklies in my eyes*

As a person who counts Twilight as one of her sick guilty pleasures, I'll have you know that you aren't supposed to understand it. It's about Taylor Lautner's hotness. Well, since I'm a wolf girl it's about him for me, but others like Pattinson for some reason. I dunno know why.

Just don't read the books.

They're terrible. But so damn addictive...

Chelle said...

*mary* right?

Christina- I love it when people love me. Taylor Lautner's character isn't supposed be 100 years old. I will get him, though.

Remember. He is sharkboy.

Amber said...

Brazilliant.

I think you need to do a guitar cover of beach blanket bingo. Youtube it. It'll go viral and you'll be faaaaaaaamous.

Chelle said...

I already AM famous, Amber. I'm famous to my family.

Dr Zibbs said...

Will have to show this to my wife. She's obssesed with Twilight. And Edward.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I am pretty sure I dated Ed/Ice version around 1987-88 That is something I am kind of ashamed to admit.

Chelle said...

Dr Zibbs- :)

Vapid- I guess you didn't smell meaty enough, huh?

dufmanno said...

Velvet lined books filled with angsty teenaged ramblings and Nosferatu in the same post is almost too good to be true.
I am ashamed to admit that I have not seen a Twilight movie yet. Perhaps the sexual/non sexual tension plot line is funnier than it sounds?
Tally ho, I'm off to rent it now.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Speechless. What mad skills! I am in massive panic attack right now because I really hate discovering awesome blogs that I need to follow obsessively. This is insane.

Me-Me King said...

As I scrolled down, with each photo I was rolling! I particularly loved your take on Queen. Hey, maybe that's what really happened to Freddy Mercury...thrice bitten, he's due for a comeback!

Thanks for the visit yesterday. And, by the way, I am your newest stalker.

Chelle said...

dufmanno- Don't be ashamed. Please don't be ashamed.

Absence- Welcome to the flock! I wish I had a flock.

Me-Me King- Thanks, eh?

Chelle said...

PS. Nosferatu sill scares the bejeezuz out of me.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

First of all please forgive me for starting a cat fight right here on your blog. But to Me-Me King I say, I am the newest stalker!

Wait. Wait. Since you commented after me, yes, you ARE the newest stalker. Sorry about that, fellow sister flocker.

Rex Venom said...

Oh.
Tooo funny
Rock on!

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