I want you to look at the following photo. Drink it in. Pull it into your mind like it's your own memory. Make this photo a part of you. Are you ready? OK Look:
|This photo says it all.|
That's Larry on the left and Bob on the Right. Uncle Bob. My 2nd cousin, Larry. They grew up together. His Dad and Bob's Mom are siblings. Bob has wrestled a deer, fallen through the ice in the Arctic, become a Grandfather and augured an ice fishing hole at a curling rink during a tournament so that he could pretend he was ice fishing. He also collected thousands of ice skates to give to poor kids in Russia. Larry is the the most ruthless kid teaser who ever walked the earth. When I was a kid, he liked to pour cat food into a cereal bowl and pretend he was going to give it to me for breakfast. He would sit at the dinner table when I was a child, and eat his dinner wearing oven mitts. He would steal my mother's potatoes while he knew I was watching and fill his pockets and pretend he was leaving. "GOODBYE EVERYONE! *limping through the kitchen toward the door with OUR potatoes!". These are interesting men.
|That no good, horrible man stole our potatoes. Thank God I caught him every time and my Mom made him put them back.|
I grew up having my mind carefully warped and twisted into the complex machine it is today. It took years of psychological warfare to sharpen and hone a mind like mine to perfection. Hilarious mind games are not just a fine art to me. They are second nature. They are the fabric of our family. In fact, the first thing we check when a baby is born into the family is its sense of humor.
Doctor: It's a boy!
Mother: Give it to me straight, doctor... is he funny?
Doctor: It's too early to tell, Ma'am
Mother: It is not. My cousin peed in the nurse's eye the second he was born. Now, did he pee on anything funny?
Doctor: I'm sorry Lady. He's just sleeping quietly"
Mother: Oh My God, I knew I shouldn't have married into that dull family. They've passed it to my children!"
Father: I'm sorry, darling....
Mother: Yeah yeah... Well... can he at least take a joke?
Doctor: Pardon me??. A joke? he's 4 minutes old..
Mother: Yeah... a joke! Here, give him to that cleaning lady over there and make him think she's his mother.... see if he laughs...
Mother: Yeah, see what he does if we put his pajamas on upside down. He won't know, right? THAT is funny. I'll bet you ten bucks right now that he'll just sit there and wear 'em. TEN Bucks. Yeah, I bet he can take a joke. HEY! I SAID PUT THEM ON HIM UPSIDE DOWN!
Doctor: We just need to get you transferred to a clean bed, Ma'am
Mother: Oh for PETE SAKE. It's about TIMING. Way to ruin the joke. This place sucks. Just kidding. It's awesome here.
So anyway, I'm here to tell you about the time I went into labour and the aforementioned uncle & cousin were keeping me company. My uncle had been in the hospital with heart problems. Larry was there visiting him. I was going in to be induced to have my baby girl. They caught wind that I was there and came to see me. My Uncle Bob was excited because he was finally going to be allowed to hold a baby from the nursery.
He'd been in the hospital for a long time and he really loves babies. He'd been by to see all the babies born every day for weeks. I couldn't believe they wouldn't let him hold those babies. He would have done a good job holding them.
Well, I got all checked into my room. Unpacked. Neil was all excited, My sister in law was there, My Mom was there.... Bob was there............ Larry was there.
Then the nurse came in to start the whole induction of labor thingy. I shooed Uncle Bob out (Who told me he wouldn't look). Unpleasant, but I got through it. I will spare you the gory details. I texted my friend, Jenna to update her as I had promised. Uncle Bob waited outside.
"Cervadil in. Now we wait", I punched into my phone. I hit send.
But I accidentally texted it to her land line, I found out later, so a computer voice read it to her over the phone and it creeped her out.
Maybe she should have double checked that I had put her numbers into my phone correctly.
I mean, she's the one who said she wanted lots of updates.
Sometimes, her husband answered the phone.
And I guess her Nanna was by for tea.
She was the one who eagerly told me to let her know how I was doing as soon as I could, wasn't she?
I got a little sidetracked from my story. Where was I?
So Uncle Bob waited outside while the nurse put me on cervadil in the morning... Nothing happened all day.... wait wait waaaait.... supper time... blahblahblahhhh.... still nothing was happening. So my Mom and Neil & Sister in Law went to grab a quick bite to eat. Bob & Larry were keeping me company. After a while, they decided to nip out to Tim Hortons. They had asked before they left if I wanted anything. I told them that I would love some timbits (which are little donut middles for those of you who are not in the know with Canadian snack cuisine) and some tea. Sure thing. Off they went to bring me tea & timbits.
Naturally, the second everyone left, my labor finally kicked in. Not in an emergency sort of way.. but in a "Ok. this is real" sort of way. I wasn't going to drag anyone from their dinners just yet, so I held tough. It wasn't too long before Bob & Larry returned from Tim Hortons. Larry hands the bag to me and looks at me like this:
Larry: I got you some treats, Michelle.
Me: Oh thank you Larry. You're [contraction] sweet.
Larry: Yep. Why don't you open it, Michelle? [Larry's eye twinkles]
Me: I know that look, Larry. That is a look that goes veeeeery far back in history. [contraction] [texts Jenna about the contraction]
Me: What's actually in this donut bag, Larry ?[contraction]
Larry: Now WHY would you think there is anything in that bag but nice treats?
Me: Because [contraction] Larry... Only you would play a practical joke on someone in labor.
Larry: Oh it don't hurt that much, I bet. [That's right. he's teasing a woman in labor]
Larry: I wouldn't play a joke on you Michelle, not in this delicate condition you went and got yourself in. Where is that Neil?
Me: he went for dinner [contraction] with Mom.
Larry: Well he'll be back soon. You sit back and we'll keep an eye on you, won't we Bob?
Bob: Yes, we sure will. I was present for all of my daughter's deliveries and I'm going to be the first one to hold that baby.
Me: You might be the fifth one. Anyhow, alright. Is there cat food in this treat bag [contraction], Larry?
Larry: WHAT!?! What would make you think I'd do something like THAT?
Me: I smell cat food.
Larry: It's just a little Meow Mix.
Me: So there are no donuts, Larry?
Larry: I ate them to make room for the cat food.
The funny thing here is that my family is not going to bat an eyelash when they read that dialogue. They will be able to hear and see Bob & Larry in my delivery room. They will know this conversation is real. Larry went home after Neil came back. Uncle Bob stayed as long as the nurses would let him. He came to check on me every 10 minutes or so all night long. My Mom had to keep him from coming into the room at 4 am because I was in the final stage of labor. Some people wouldn't want this, but i appreciate their sweetness. Their teasing me to keep my spirits up. They're alright, I guess.
A few hours later, Eleanore was born at 5:55 am.
|Sweet Uncle Bob & Eleanore. 6 am.|