Thursday, February 24, 2011

Buckle up, Readers. Buckle the &%#$ up.

I want you to look at the following photo.  Drink it in.  Pull it into your mind like it's your own memory.  Make this photo a part of you.  Are you ready? OK Look:

This photo says it all.

That's Larry on the left and Bob on the Right.  Uncle Bob.  My 2nd cousin, Larry.  They grew up together.  His Dad and Bob's Mom are siblings.  Bob has wrestled a deer, fallen through the ice in the Arctic,  become a Grandfather and augured an ice fishing hole at a curling rink during a tournament so that he could pretend he was ice fishing.  He also collected thousands of ice skates to give to poor kids in Russia.   Larry is the the most ruthless kid teaser who ever walked the earth.  When I was a kid, he liked to pour cat food into a cereal bowl and pretend he was going to give it to me for breakfast.   He would sit at the dinner table when I was a child, and eat his dinner wearing oven mitts.   He would steal my mother's potatoes while he knew I was watching and fill his pockets and pretend he was leaving. "GOODBYE EVERYONE!  *limping through the kitchen toward the door with OUR potatoes!".  These are interesting men.

That no good, horrible man stole our potatoes.  Thank God I caught him every time and my Mom made him put them back.

I grew up having my mind carefully warped and twisted into the complex machine it is today. It took years of psychological warfare to sharpen and hone a mind like mine to perfection.  Hilarious mind games are not just a fine art to me.  They are second nature.  They are the fabric of our family.  In fact, the first thing we check when a baby is born into the family is its sense of humor. 

Doctor: It's a boy!

Mother: Give it to me straight, doctor... is he funny?

Doctor:  It's too early to tell, Ma'am

Mother: It is not.  My cousin peed in the nurse's eye the second he was born.  Now, did he pee on anything funny?

Doctor: I'm sorry Lady.  He's just sleeping quietly"

Mother: Oh My God, I knew I shouldn't have married into that dull family.  They've passed it to my children!"

Father: I'm sorry, darling....

Mother: Yeah yeah... Well... can he at least take a joke?

Doctor: Pardon me??. A joke? he's 4 minutes old..

Mother: Yeah... a joke!  Here, give him to that cleaning lady over there and make him think she's his mother.... see if he laughs...

Doctor:  Um...

Mother:  Yeah, see what he does if we put his pajamas on upside down.  He won't know, right?  THAT is funny.  I'll bet you ten bucks right now that he'll just sit there and wear 'em.  TEN Bucks.  Yeah, I bet he can take a joke.  HEY!  I SAID PUT THEM ON HIM UPSIDE DOWN!

Doctor: We just need to get you transferred to a clean bed, Ma'am

Mother: Oh for PETE SAKE.  It's about TIMING.  Way to ruin the joke.  This place sucks.  Just kidding.  It's awesome here.

So anyway, I'm here to tell you about the time I went into labour and the aforementioned uncle & cousin were keeping me company.  My uncle had been in the hospital with heart problems.  Larry was there visiting him.  I was going in to be induced to have my baby girl.  They caught wind that I was there and came to see me.  My Uncle Bob was excited because he was finally going to be allowed to hold a baby from the nursery. 

He'd been in the hospital for a long time and he really loves babies.  He'd been by to see all the babies born every day for weeks.  I couldn't believe they wouldn't let him hold those babies.  He would have done a good job holding them. 

Well, I got all checked into my room. Unpacked.  Neil was all excited, My sister in law was there, My Mom was there.... Bob was there............ Larry was there.

Then the nurse came in to start the whole induction of labor thingy.  I shooed Uncle Bob out (Who told me he wouldn't look).  Unpleasant, but I got through it.  I will spare you the gory details. I texted my friend, Jenna to update her as I had promised.  Uncle Bob waited outside.

"Cervadil in.  Now we wait", I punched into my phone. I hit send.

But I accidentally texted it to her land line, I found out later, so a computer voice read it to her over the phone and it creeped her out.  

I guess it's kind of unnerving when a robot phones your house and updates you on the state of your friend's lady parts. It's not like I had any idea that I kept texting updates to her land line for the robot to read out loud to her. 

How was I supposed to know it was going to her land line?

Maybe she should have double checked that I had put her numbers into my phone correctly.

I mean, she's the one who said she wanted lots of updates.

Sometimes, her husband answered the phone.

And I guess her Nanna was by for tea.

She was the one who eagerly told me to let her know how I was doing as soon as I could, wasn't she?
I mean, how convenient that this particular hospital allows cell phone use?

Seriously, Jenna.  Would it KILL you to answer some of these texts?  

I got a little sidetracked from my story. Where was I?

So Uncle Bob waited outside while the nurse put me on cervadil in the morning...  Nothing happened all day.... wait wait waaaait.... supper time... blahblahblahhhh.... still nothing was happening. So my Mom and Neil & Sister in Law went to grab a quick bite to eat.  Bob & Larry were keeping me company.  After a while, they decided to nip out to Tim Hortons.  They had asked before they left if I wanted anything.  I told them that I would love some timbits (which are little donut middles for those of you who are not in the know with Canadian snack cuisine) and some tea.  Sure thing.  Off they went to bring me tea & timbits. 

Naturally, the second everyone left, my labor finally kicked in.  Not in an emergency sort of way.. but in a "Ok.  this is real" sort of way.  I wasn't going to drag anyone from their dinners just yet, so I held tough.  It wasn't too long before Bob & Larry returned from Tim Hortons.  Larry hands the bag to me and looks at me like this:

Larry: I got you some treats, Michelle.

Me: Oh thank you Larry.  You're [contraction] sweet.

Larry: Yep.  Why don't you open it, Michelle?  [Larry's eye twinkles]

Me: I know that look, Larry.  That is a look that goes veeeeery far back in history. [contraction] [texts Jenna about the contraction]

Me: What's actually in this donut bag, Larry ?[contraction]

Larry: Now WHY would you think there is anything in that bag but nice treats?

Me: Because [contraction] Larry...   Only you would play a practical joke on someone in labor.

Larry: Oh it don't hurt that much, I bet.  [That's right.  he's teasing a woman in labor]


Larry: I wouldn't play a joke on you Michelle,  not in this delicate condition you went and got yourself in.  Where is that Neil?

Me: he went for dinner [contraction] with Mom. 

Larry: Well he'll be back soon.  You sit back and we'll keep an eye on you, won't we Bob?

Bob: Yes, we sure will.  I was present for all of my daughter's deliveries and I'm going to be the first one to hold that baby.


Me: You might be the fifth one. Anyhow, alright.  Is there cat food in this treat bag [contraction], Larry?
Larry: WHAT!?! What would make you think I'd do something like THAT?

Me: I smell cat food.

Larry:  It's just a little Meow Mix.  

Me: So there are no donuts, Larry?


Larry: I ate them to make room for the cat food.

The funny thing here is that my family is not going to bat an eyelash when they read that dialogue.  They will be able to hear and see Bob & Larry in my delivery room.  They will know this conversation is real.   Larry went home after Neil came back.  Uncle Bob stayed as long as the nurses would let him.  He came to check on me every 10 minutes or so all night long.  My Mom had to keep him from coming into the room at 4 am because I was in the final stage of labor.  Some people wouldn't want this, but i appreciate their sweetness.  Their teasing me to keep my spirits up.  They're alright, I guess. 

A few hours later, Eleanore was born at 5:55 am.
Sweet Uncle Bob & Eleanore.  6 am.


dbs said...

Oh family. Can't live with them; can't live without them.
P.S. Those drawings are fantastic and hilarious. Plus, this made me wonder what Eleanore will blog about you someday. Fun thought eh?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I cried laughing every time a new robot-call pic came up. Seriously, my eyes are crusty now. I might have actually rolled, which I thought was just a figure of speech before. So, I LOL'ed and R'ed, not on the floor, but still. And then I felt a little S in my H at that photo at the end. Good Lord, Chelle.

Erin D said...

I just lolz'd all over myself.

Those damn mucous plugs.

Elly Lou said...

Oh sweet Christ what have I done?!?

mylittlebecky said...

i have such a good maternity robot voice in my head. cool uncles are the best. THE BEST!

Chelle said...

DBS- I hope she does. I'll know she's blowing off steam.

Steam- I don't know what "S in my H" means. Text it to me.

Erin- Right? Falling out at the worst moments.

Elly- When its your time, try to get a room near a sick uncle.

mylittlebecky- I want to hear it.

Amelia said...

That is like the sweetest horriblest thing I've ever read. Our family has one of them, Uncle Jer. He introduces himself to the babies by taking out his teeth. You know, in case they feel lonely with their gumminess or something.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Shit in my hammock.

Spit in my hamper.

Sad in my heart.

One of those.

Chelle said...

Amelia- My Dad takes his teeth out at babies. It's like if they take their teeth out, the babies will immediately relate to them.

Steam- It isn't hammock season.

Ed said...

I thought Canadien babies came with their own hockey stick.

Looks like hers is missing.

I bet Larry hid it. That big joker.

dufmanno said...

Cervadil is manufactured in Hades and they summon Lucifer to insert it with a blow dart before letting him come in with his jagged hook and rusty spear to break your water.
He have me a kick in the head with his hoof for good measure before leaving the room too. Resulted in two black eyes.
Now I'm angry that there was no maternirobot to relay messages to my family during labor.
That is so bad ass.

Random Girl said...

That whole scenario sounds like it could have happened in my family, well at least the in-law side! It is surviving family craziness that makes us have the sense of humor you so hilariously displayed above. Great laughs. Glad it all ended well!

nova said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA wow. That's the worst best labor story I've ever heard.

The robot killed me. I'm dead from smiling at my computer too much. I was gonna say LOL-ing but that would have been a li'l bit o hyperbole.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Oh sweet chester cheesus!! I havent laughed so hard in so long. Thanks for the laughs.
Also... I won a free cup of coffee yesterday at Tim's. Totally not relevant to the post.. I just wanted to brag.

Kim said...

I've totally done the accidental text to the land line thing. Thankfully my mum called me back and asked what on earth was going on.

Great story, family always offers the best of them I swear.

Steve-oh! said...

I'm with you on the comedic concerns of newborns. Fortunately - 2 minutes into life my baby went doodie on daddy. So relieved. Both of us.

Chelle said...

Ed- I do not tolerate hockey.

dufmanno- Hell is a gynecology office.

random girl- If it weren't for my hilarious family, I might be an accountant or pro scrapbooker or something.

Nova- It's okay to lol, but only if you sound it out phonetically.

Midwestern- Oh you! You and your Tim Winnings. I am going to go to Tim Horton's later and buy 15 coffees.

Kim- It's true. I tried sending a text to my house after all of this happened and there surely is a robot reading the texts out.

Steve-Oh- Thank Heavens, right? My daughter came out with a crazy hat and one of those guns that shoots a "bang" sign.

Antares Cryptos said...

LOL. Too funny.
Bob & Larry, there's a reality show I might actually watch.

Phil said...

This was hilarious. Especially the part where said you named your daughter Eleanore. Your family really does have a sense of humor.

Chelle said...

AC-it is my reality.

Phil- *most awkward silence ever*

Boom Boom Larew said...

There's nothing like a little Meow Mix to speed up those contractions! So, what score did Eleanore get on the Apgar Humor Scale?

Caleb said...


I think we have a few (read:lot) of Bobs and Larrys in our family too.

Like when my crazy aunt went to sprinkle my uncle's ashes down by the river in a windstorm. Yes, the worst that you're imagining is what happened.

Also, when you put [contraction] the first time, I thought you were pointing out that the word "you're" contained a contraction. I thought "what kind of idiots does she think read her stuff?"

Then I remembered that I was reading it, and it made sense.


Sandra said...

Chelle, this is such a terrific post! It is funny! And your uncle Bob is so endearing. And your graphic designs are terrific (they probably aren't called graphic designs, right, but I can't even figure out how to put a thought bubble onto my pictures, so you are my hero, so graphic design it is!)
This is really fantastic...I'm still smiling stupidly at the screen...

Jason Hughes said...

Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard right now!! Esp at the drawings! Brilliant!!

Chelle said...

Boom Boom- She is progressing nicely.

Caleb- It does makes sense. [period]

Sandra- Yeah, they're totally graphic designs. I'm totally a graphic designer. All of my actual-working-artist friends completely agree *nodding head*.

Jason- They were not supposed to be funny. :(

allison, a flea circus said...

Dood. only you know who is cool, and who needs to be whisked away. like, let me have my kooky 87 year old neighbor mrs. alice, and please, loose my mom somewhere. what an awesome person, this bob.

Chelle said...

Alison. Mrs Alice knows how to make labor fun.

Josee said...

Awesome post! I was tortured with cervadil with my first baby. After watching 6,654 episodes of a baby story while waiting for labor to start, I assumed "You're being induced" meant a pitocin drip, quick labour, and a baby in my arms within 24 hours at the most. NOT QUITE. They started inducing me when I was 11 days overdue by giving me cervadil and **sending me home**. Then the next day they did all over again. The 3rd day I told them I was going to lie on the floor in the hallway and I wasn't leaving until they admitted me. Thank God baby #2 was breech and I had a planned c-section!

M. Hicks said...

I was laughing so loud, my kid got out of bed to see what was so funny. I am actually the last person on earth with a landline, and I've gotten the text robot before. Truly, truly enjoyed this post.

Mom said...


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