Thursday, February 10, 2011

I watched The Birds. I might have fallen asleep in the middle.

I thought that since scenes from Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds are apparently now my blog's new theme, I should probably watch it. So last night, I sent the kids off to bed and Neil went down to his office to watch cartoons for work and I set about flipping through the on demand movie channels.

At first, I wasn't going to watch The Birds when I got all settled in with my jammies and myblankie and my tea and my raisin cookies. I was going to watch Paranormal Activity because I heard it was pretty scary. When I am stressed out, I have this hang up where watching a scary movie makes my own stress seem like happy carnival land, because nobody is trying to peck my eyeballs out as far as can tell. Having kids makes it seem like that at times, but I am 73% sure that's all in my head.

Yeah I know, I'm gross okay?

First I decided to watch the trailer for Paranormal Activity, because I don't actually know what Paranormal Activity is about. So I looked it up on the youtubes. I wanted to get a good feel for whether or not I was too chicken to actually watch it.

H O L Y.

Yep. Still too chicken.

Something invisible crawled under that lady's bed sheets, you guys. In the TRAILER, you guys. Her sheets lifted, Readers; lifted. It made me choke on a raisin. I like to think that maybe she's just gassy. Maybe she had a little too much chili & beer on the weekend. You know? Over did it on the nachos and fake cheese; had some beans and some cabbage and some beer and some chili. She just went all out on it and stuffed herself. Maybe she's lactose intolerant and had herself a milkshake, too. Got all that stuff mixed up inside of her and it's just not agreeing with her. I bet she ate too fast. Perhaps she also has an irritable bowel or something. This is reality, people. Things like that have happened to people. There is no need to be all squeamish. You have to consider every angle before really cleaving to the idea that it is paranormal activity going on in that giant air pocket that appeared in the bed. Paranormal GAS is what it sometimes is.

Footage taken from the trailer:

1:34:10am, as you can see- all is calm.

1:34:12 am, Ruh-Roh, Raggy!


"Umm.... I think it was a ghost or something...."

"The sheets just went up like a hot air balloon."

"Yeah.... the house is.... um... haunted I think"



"Ghosts are dead people, honey. That's probably what you smell".

"I smell farts and the sheets lifted. My eyes are watering, Katie. They. are. watering."

"Nobody believes there are ghosts at first, Honey. Everyone knows that."

"I think I want a divorce."

"Shhh... it's about to happen again."

"I am calling a lawyer."

"Shhh.... Just close your eyes, Mike, I'm going to show you what a dutch oven is..."

I'm not emotionally ready for that kind of movie (I'm still not over the grudge) so I decided to see what else was going on in TV landy land and then there it was: The Birds, listed under Classic Films, $3.99. Yes, that is more my speed: Made in the 60s: check. Birds are glued to a house for special effects: check. Yes. That I can do. So I ordered it. PS. I'm not afraid to tell you guys that my pay per view password is #1234. I feel like I can trust you with this private information.

So I got to watching it, but the beginning was pretty painfully boring, so I decided to do some important bird psychology research while it got to the good screechy 60s bird parts...


I got a little sleepy.

Annnnngraaaah baahds.....

Waaaaatch da baaaaaahds an da taaaayvaaaay.....

So anyway, I think I missed part of the plot while I was researching birds, because I don't think Whitney Houston at any point was leading the way through the dark with her marijuana torch in that movie.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Either way, I think it was pretty freaky. All in all it was worth the $3.99.


Elly Lou said...

Whitney has never looked better. Obviously Clive Davis bit here and now she's undead, too.

Abi and Simon said...

I will never be over 'The Grudge'. NEVER. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. I am not allowed to watch scary films anymore. My fiance likes to wait until we are in bed with the lights out and then he makes that weird throaty noise that freaky kid does. One time I punched him in the face for doing it and he blamed ME for being irrational. That is the end of my story.

'Paranormal Activity' would result in me dribbling and rocking in the corner and I just don't think I can pull off that look right now.

Chelle said...

Elly- It was a DREAM okay? She can't be perfect all the time. Smoking crack takes a lot out of a person.

Abi & Simon- OoOOoooh I HATE that sound.

Baron S. Cameron said...

I'm fine with scary movies as long as they don't have creepy kids. If you happen to be an ESL tutor, don't ever tell your students The Grudge freaks you out. One of the lil bastards tapped me on the should and when I turned meowed like a cat. I almost peed myself.

Ed said...

Birds are assholes.


Assholes with wings.

Just ask my truck.

Vinny C said...

I saw both Paranormal Activity & the sequel. Before you attempt to watch them, be warned, you may not want to be home alone... or in bed at night... or anywhere involving houses again. EVER!

Antares Cryptos said...

You never got over "the Grudge"? All old VHS tapes were destroyed after "the Ring".

At least one can run from birds and zombies...

Vinny-thanks for the heads up. So I've heard, but when a dog gets dragged, I'm done.

Silent Hill? ;)

Keet said...

I like yer digital artistry. DON'T Watch the dutch oven movie. you'll never trust anyone ever again.

Chelle said...

@Baron- How about hen your kid hides on the stairs in the dark and burps.

@Ed- Oh I'm GOING to ask you truck.

Vinny- I think i'll stick with not scary scary movies. Zombie flicks are nice and safe. Same story every time, different place.

Antares- See, what happend is that I watched the Ring and it didn't scare me, so I watched the Ring and wet my pants for a year.

Keith- I already barely trust anyone, except that total stranger I picked up and gave a ride home today. She was pregnant, I felt bad for her.

dbs said...

The scariest movie I've ever watched was Jersey Shore. (And Diane Sawyer's interview with crack is whack Whitney Houston.)

Chunky Mama said...

You had me rolling with this.
Especially because my name is Katie.

And I'm with you on the scary movies. I am too chicken for anything scarier than "Hocus Pocus."

Laoch of Chicago said...

Whitney is looking pretty fine in your post.

Jayme Amber said...

Paranormal Activity ruined my life. I fast forwarded through like half of it because I couldn't watch it, and the scenes STILL haunt me. Especially the last one. *SHIVERS*

Chelle said...

DBS- I've still never seen Jersey Shore. I'm getting pretty curious about this Snooki person. She's seems well read.

Chunky Mama- How's your digestion? Don't actually answer that.

Laoch- She's a tough ol' gal.

Jayme- The trailer ruined my life. I am going to pass on the movie for another year.

Tom G. said...

You know, if you stop and think about it, birds really are pretty creepy. I mean look at them. They have beaks, and claws. They look like little dinosaurs fer christsake. With WINGS! Little flying dinosaurs with WINGS PEOPLE! HOLY SHIT! LITTLE FLYING DINOSAURS WITH WINGS THAT LIVE IN THE TREES OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!


Nicole said...

Pukey kids are keeping me from my blog reading, so I'll make it brief.

Buwhahahahahahah! Tee-hee. Loved it.

Dr. Cynicism said...

HAhaha! LOVE the fart theory. And any usage of dutch oven is awesome in my book :-)

Chelle said...

Tom- Like I was telling twitter, I think Tarantino needs to remake this film, but the birds should be wearing sexy little leather unitards and carry swords.

Nicole- Those pukey kids interfere with everything fun.

Dr C- That sounds like some book.

nova said...

I thought Paranormal Activity was pretty creepy, but ... it was no "The Orphanage". You should watch that one. It's from Spain so there's subtitles, but totally worth a watch.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love the shadows cast from the light of the tv!

And I feel the same way about The Grudge. That fast movin Asian kid in the commercial, I swear. Can't even get past that. Damn those fast movin Asian kids to hell.

Anonymous said...

Nerdy... nerdy... nerdy... (foreplay nerdy talk at your request)

Wow! Just W O W!!! I got lost in your blog for like 3 hours! Kid is starved on the floor but I even think I pee'd once laughing... Totally worth it. Just a quick check see if it's ok to add a link to you on mine? It's new... I'm not a stalker, just so ya know. OH!! And hell no, you do not need a dining table. Get that air hockey gig going for ya... funny girl gets what she deserves! I'll be baaaack (best Arnold impersonation inserted here)

~Grandma Juice

Rowald said...

Paranormal Activity = complete crap, if liked The Blair witch project and thought it was scary, then this is your kind of movie. The sequel yup, even more crap, saw 20 minutes of it on the interwebs and thought "ZZzzzzZZZzzz"

The Birds = Classic horror from a long gone age, and it should remain there. While I enjoyed this movie when I was a kid, it neither scared nor disturbed me, and hey where are the Zombies?!?!

If you want to watch a scary movie, nay a downright disturbing film, watch the first Hostel movie knowing this little nugget: it was based on true events. Sure they made it worse than it probably was in true life, but as a whole it was a disturbing flick. Still no freakin' zombies though.

Well I guess I'm done, so I'll go back to my darkened laboratory and think up other ghastly shit to fling like a monkey at the zoo.

Chelle said...

Nova- See that's the thing.. is it gory? I don't like gratuitous gore. Just a little old fashioned suspense and jumpiness and kicking the air. These big timey psychological trauma movies... i dunno. I like campy. Is it campy?

Steamy- Once, Ben hid on the stairs in the dark and opened his mouth all wide. It scared the daylights out of me. He hasn't seen the grudge, obviously (he's 7).... but man. I am thinking of giving the cats to my neighbor now.

G J- Link away! I'm glad you like my blog. :)

Rowald- I saw Hostel. It was meh for me. I am not a fan of gore and it was just teenagers and gore. I think I even shut it off.

In my opinion, the creepiest movie of all time is Nosferatu from like what... 1920? I thought it would be hilarious and I was kinda shocked Something about the lighting and the flickery camera.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I am still sruck in Ammityville Horror and the Jodi the pig.

Is Rhoda mine yet?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I have a feeling I was typing that comment with my toes.

ethelwebb said...

Your description of Paranormal Activity made me laugh out loud. And you know I mean it because I actually spelled it out instead of saying, "LOL."

I should also tell you that after watching that movie, I had to sleep with a Bible in my bed. Every time during the night when I would wake up, I would open the Bible and read a passage. It's the scariest movie I've ever seen.

The Birds, on the other hand, is only scary if you're 15 and high or 85 and on hallucinogenic pain killers.

Chelle said...

Vapid- I can make a bed with my toes. It's pretty impressive. Maybe a little slow.

ethelwebb- "I had to sleep with the bible" That's so funny!

Jules said...

I had a high school teacher who made us watch it! Are you crazy???? Totally scary!

Anonymous said...

Laughing out loud so much at your description of Paranormal Activity.
I actually didn't find it that scary, this is coming from someone who can't sleep facing the wall in case something scary (like the Jeepers Creepers creature) comes through the floor and eats me while I'm not looking (because if I'm looking then it's safer, right?)
It was just a bit creepy, but I played some Resident Evil afterwards and owned some zombies to make me feel like I am impervious to creepy things.

Anonymous said...

I totally think that paranormal activity is really just some bad flatulence. Have you ever see the show "Most Haunted"? It's a British team that has 'psychics' go to places that are supposed to be haunted and run around shrieking and looking frightened. I have watched the show only a few times and every time I hear a variation of some one saying,"I'm hearing strange sounds and getting a bad smell. The spirits are communicating!"

Anonymous said...

A previous co-worker of mine was CONVINCED birds were robots because of they way they move so The Birds would most likely make her have a nervous break down. For my money one of the best monster movies was the original Night of the Living Dead. **SPOILER ALERT***
I still cannot believe they killed the hero.

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