The horror of it even now percolates in the back of your brain; that there are things all around you, alive, moving, breeding and persisting. These ancient things have been here since the beginning. Soulless, hunting and very real. Your first instinct when you learn of them is the shriek and hide, but you are overcome with the reality that these things are lurking in the shadows of your very home, and by trying to find safety in a dark, small place- you are putting yourself directly into their territory. The dark, the cold, the small places where they lie in wait. There is nowhere for you to go now.
Scotch, Poker & Pink Cupcakes. So it was Neil's birthday and we had a few people come by for some embarrassingly low stakes poker (I lost). Some people brought scotch, some brought chips, some brought root beer, some brought biological information about what kinds of things are being found in the the ocean these days. The disgusting death trap, haunted ocean full of horrors and unknowns. The last frontier, besides space (or is it?) and those other peculiar places that we haven't dug our curious feelers into yet. (I liked the scotch best of all.)
Janet: Speaking of sushi, have you heard of those pod things they find in the ocean? They are ENORMOUS and they are the weirdest things ever. I can't remember what they're called... some kind of crustacean pod thingy. They're just crawling around like some kind of weird giant crab pod thing.
*someone inevitably finds a picture of the thing on their iphone*
Someone: They are called ISOPODS!
Squeeeeeeeee!
Me: ISOPODS? Sounds so adorable! Lemme see the little guys!
Someone: They are called ISOPODS!
Squeeeeeeeee!
Me: ISOPODS? Sounds so adorable! Lemme see the little guys!*shows me the photo*
Silence.
What!?
WHAT????
nononono..
*gasp*
*GASP*
*HEAVE..HEAVE...HEAVE....*ISO...PODS?!?!?
*falls to floor in fetal position*
Me: YOU LIE. YOU ARE ALL LIARS. THAT IS NOT REAL. It isn't real, it isn't real. Is it real? You are trying to trick me. You are not my friends! Don't touch me ! I think one is in my hair! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!
*Thrashing & punching the air*
Someone who obviously doesn't care about me: They are real, see?
*shows me another picture of the things on their angry birds themed iphone[1]
*HEAVE*
Are you effing kidding me?
Janet: Yeah, I don't know why we are not eating these things. I heard they taste like crab. They're like sushi walking around in the ocean! And they are HUGE!
Me: What is the matter with you??? Isn't it obvious why???? It's because they have just hatched and the @$#% mother ship with come and get #$%@ revenge on humanity if we $%&* eat them. We have to protect them and swear allegiance to the space monster mother. We'll be slaves but we will be alive! They are NOT from the ocean. They are not from here.
Everyone: Umm...
DO IT! SWEAR ALLEGIANCE!!!! I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU!
*rocking in the corner with Neil's birthday scotch*
*HEAVE*Are you effing kidding me?
Janet: Yeah, I don't know why we are not eating these things. I heard they taste like crab. They're like sushi walking around in the ocean! And they are HUGE!
Me: What is the matter with you??? Isn't it obvious why???? It's because they have just hatched and the @$#% mother ship with come and get #$%@ revenge on humanity if we $%&* eat them. We have to protect them and swear allegiance to the space monster mother. We'll be slaves but we will be alive! They are NOT from the ocean. They are not from here.
Everyone: Umm...
DO IT! SWEAR ALLEGIANCE!!!! I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU!*rocking in the corner with Neil's birthday scotch*
Me: You've all seen that Futurama episode where everyone is eating the baby aliens like they're popcorn and then the parents find out and then they're mad and attack the earth and then they pretend a Gorilla is a human because the aliens demand a sacrifice. I DON'T HAVE A GORILLA!! *heave* APOCALYPSE ALERT. Everyone fill a jug with water and get some canned food... Is anyone opposed to resorting to cannibalism? But only if someone dies of natural causes. If we don't eat Janet, the Isopods will. All in favour? We have to go loot Walmart before a gang of apocalyptic survivalists from another camp get there and take all the good things... who knows how to build a solar energy panel?? WE ARE GOING TO NEED A SOLAR ENERGY PANEL!! We only have 17 hours.....I need a car battery... need...... styrofoam socks.... flamethrower... zoodles... distract them with.. the fainting goats..... no good at the maths.... what if their blood gets on us????? WE HAVE TO LEAVE.
*twitching & gurgling*
Michelle?...
*seizure*
Michelle?..
*swallows tongue*
Michelle???
They make me want to cuddle a giant centipede. They make tarantulas look like little inbred kittens. They are unnatural and we have to be verrrrrry careful. They are bad. Sure, wikipedia says they're harmless and I think I read that they like to eat doritos... To be honest, I couldn't read much about them because I can't stop twitching and crying. I just hate them so much.
[1] Note to self: Find an angry birds themed iphone case because cool!
14 comments:
I wish to play in this poker game. I am a very bad player who enjoys the idea of cupcakes so I should make a good addition.
DO NOT GOOGLE YETI CRAB.
If you cook them in Scotch and then spread pink frosting on them, they should be edible...
Your hands look very nice. And I think it's kind of creepy that those hands holding the iSoPod look just like yours... *Twilight theme*
[1]I love how you do footnote. Makes me feel like I am reading a scholarly journal so I don't have to feel so bad about it being 3:44 am now...
Laoch- Well dig out of the snow cave and come by next time! I don't believe you're bad at poker, though.
dbs- *GASP* *Dryheave*
Absence- It is a scholarly journal. This entry is about psychological marine science.
you know what they look like? when they blow up pictures of fleas super big. they're giant mutant fleas and people are eating them.
mmmm, my tummy is itchy just thinking about it.
Exactly. They are space ocean apocalype fleas. We shouldn't be eating them. There a consequences to reckless actions.
Isopods, They're not just for breakfast anymore.
I think I read somewhere that these things are closely related to the the louse family. That's right, their scalp dwelling redneck cousin may be living in your children's hair nibbling on the dead skin and burrowing into the blood vessels...
SO Who's hungry?
OMG. I knew there was one in my hair.
Oh Crap! And to think I was afraid that cloned Woolly Mammoths were our greatest threat. I am NEVER GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THE OCEAN AGAIN!
Isopods are deathly afraid of moving sand painting things from the 80's. Every one knows that. It's like zombies and mouthwash. So long as your sand thing is safe, so are you.
Live long and prosper.
Tom- When my friend told me about these, she had me convinced that they were the size of giant squids.
Elly! I don't have enough 80s sand frames and do you know how hard they are to FIND??
I think you can actually grow them as pets -- like sea monkeys. Only more evil.
Not that I want to compound your phobia but did you get this far down the Wiki article:
"Although generalist scavengers, these isopods are mostly carnivorous"
Once when I was a teenager I got stung by a wasp and it was stuck in my foot complete with stinger. I was on the phone to my best mate at the time and it was like
"Hiya Shell, what are you up to?"
"Oh Hiya, not much I AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRCHHHHHHHH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! OGGY! (our dog at the time) OGGY GET IT OUT (I was on my own in the house hence pleading with the dog) OGGY! GET IT OUT JUST GET IT OUT!!"
My friend heard it all.. Anyway the feel of it stuck in my foot but still scrabbling and fluttering trying to get away Brrrrrr. I bet it would feel like that if one of these bad boys took a chomp on your leg.
Sleep tight.
P.S. Also it looks like a magnified pic of a bed bug...
Post a Comment