Author High!! I met David Sedaris Tonight!

 As anyone who knows me might be aware, Neil surprised me with David Sedaris tickets.   He's starting a new tour and this was his first stop.  It was 7 flavours of delicious... except the part where he talked about a bird pooping down his friend's throat as she was laughing.  I gagged at that part.  Then there was the part where he talked about eating duck tongues and rooster blood patties... but the rest was delicious.  Except the part where he talked about people coughing up phlegm and spitting it on the floors of Chinese restaurants... the rest though was perfectly edible.  Well also, he talked about people poop a couple of times.  Other than that...  Well then he talked about the time his friend in the Peace Corps had to eat a dog face in Thailand.... When he talked about other things, I was drooling onto the head of the person in front of me. 

So anyway, I was the first person in line to meet him.  I know, right?  I didn't even have to trample anyone to death.  I left the auditorium at the precise perfect moment.   I was the first person in line to get my book signed on the first day of his new tour.  That automatically makes us best friends.  I even made Neil take a covert blurry photo of him despite the "no photos" sign.  David won't mind.  We're friends now.  He just doesn't realize it yet.  Besides, then I could throw Neil under the bus if we got in trouble.

Sure it's grainy enough that you can't tell if it's David Sedaris or a Sasquatch... but still.  It was covert alright?

I have 3 rules for meeting superstars:  Never gush directly to the superstar, try to confuse them at least once and wear something memorable.  I chose to wear scandalously red lipstick instead of the coconut bra I had been considering.  Neil is like my Jiminy Cricket of not overdoing it.  Thanks for keeping me so well grounded, Neil.  To confuse Mr Sedaris, I cleverly pretended that he spelled my name wrong by not adding the correct accents to all of the vowels (there aren't any accents in my name)....  OMG SELF, that is thinking on your toes alright.  Hilarious stuff.   Rules: adhered to.  Don't question the rules.  Stop judging me.  This is important.

I was all ready with a joke to tell him, because I read on my facebook from seasoned David Sedaris meeters that he might ask for one.  I went over the joke in my mind all evening.  I didn't get to tell it though, because Mr Sedaris was preoccupied with the color of my lipstick.  He asked what color it was.  I told him it was red.  He insisted it couldn't just be "red" but I assured him that it was.  He said it must have to be like "ravishing red" so I took it out of my purse and checked the label.  Turns out it's "Revival Red".  Huh.  I did't even know that.  I already learned something about myself from talking to David Sedaris in person.

All I know is that the lipstick trick worked.  I'll probably be featured in his next book, "The Mysterious Canadian Temptress in Revival Red" (or "red" as I like to call it. )

Anyhow, how I know we bonded is that he drew a severed dog's head in my book.  A severed dog's head, readers.  He took extra time to use the red sharpie to make blood coming out of its neck.  "I drew the blood to show that the dog is dead."  He said.  It's like he read my mind about what kinds of pictures I want to look at when I open my copy of Barrel Fever.


I was totally drunk on meeting David Sedaris and drinking scotch with Neil before the show.

Neil and I drinking scotch "the romantic way"

 
Here is the joke I didn't get to tell him:

Me:  Knock Knock, David Sedaris
David Sedaris:  Who's there?
Me:  I just threw up in my purse from excitement. 

I might still be drunk.  Did I make very many typos?