Sunday, March 27, 2011

Shakes on a Plane.

My parents took my sister and I to Hawaii when I was 18.  My brothers didn't get to go.  (They never got to go because they were basically used up, as far as kids go by then- but that's beside the point.)  So we went to Hawaii for a week,  had a good old time and then it was time to fly home to Canada. 

Readers, I have this thing... this seating curse if you will, where if there is a weird person on the airplane (and there is always a weird person on the airplane), they have to be seated next me.  I am weirdo magnetic.  I never just get to sit beside some regular person who is traveling. Never ever.  Not even when I'm sitting next to Neil.  (BAAAAHAHAHAHA, it's funny because Neil reads my blog).   Let me give you some examples:

-There was the 80 year old lady who told me all of her secrets like how she took a ladies tour to Tijuana and stayed drunk the whole time, stole her friend's husband who was the bus driver, threw someone's suitcase under the bus and other horrible things:

She also insisted that I should wear Lululemon sweaters just like her granddaughter.   Never met this person.  So I promised to look into when I landed.  (Lululemon??  More like EwEw-lemon if you ask ME.)

Do you like Lululemon, Sweetheart?  Do you?  Do you...  like it? 

- There was the woman who told me all about her breast implant procedure between my trips to the bathroom to throw up when I was coming home from Las Vegas.  PS, I had the flu.  Not even a hangover. 

-There was the guy who insisted on keeping his seat beside my barfing 5 year old.   Even though there were lots of other available seats.  He also had a long, blonde beard.  Unacceptable.

-There was the woman who told me how she took on foster children only to get paid and that her daughter was a famous news anchor but I shouldn't ask who.  I didn't.  I still regret it. 

-And then there is always this person:

 Not that I'm judging, Readers. 

But, the friendliest of all was the guy I got to sit next to on our family's plane trip home from Honolulu: 

He and his wife were struggling with their customs paperwork, so I helped them fill it out.  I'm a nice person, you know.  It's true.  They barely spoke English and I don't know how much they read in English so I helped them decipher their shiz to pass the time.  Going.  to.  heaven. 

They were so nice to me in return.  They thaaaaanked me so many times.  Just really nice.  Especially the husband.  

 So so friendly.....

But then he got sleepy.  You know how that goes, eh?  Just super, super sleepy.

So sleepy that he accidentally put his hand on my thigh while he was sleeping.  Ok... shocking... Maybe he really did fall asleep or something... so I moved his hand.  Probably jet lagged.  Tired guy.  THAT'S all it is.   Yep.  We can wrap this story up now. 

Then 5 minutes later I look down:

ALright.  ALLLRIGHT, GUY.....  Fun time is officially over now.  So I shoved his hand off, gave him an elbow and a really nasty look along with the "NOT ON YOUR LIFE" head wag.  He didn't speak English, right? 

 He nodded at me like he was sorry.

I gave him an extra glare and a pointy finger.

All was calm again...  Simmering down....  Ok, no need to make a huge deal.  He gets it. He's back to leaning on his wife, who seems very disinterested in the whole scenario.  Been there, done that, is what she's thinking. Yeah, this guy pulls shenanigans like this all the time.  She's used to this. 

A good 20 minutes pass.  No events.  Guy is snoring.  Everything was back to normal.  I was chatting with my sister who was sitting on the other side of me (we were in the middle row of seats on the 747).

Then, the guy's hand starts doing the flop around thing (in his sleep OF COURSE).  Arm is flopping thisaway, arm is flopping thataway...  but it was mostly flopping thisaway.  I knew exactly what was coming, so I showed my sister who decided to discreetly switch seats with my Dad who was sitting across the aisle. 

My very big, very tough, take no crap, very scary, used to be a bullrider Dad.  The guy who dislocates his shoulder, walks over to a fence and pops it in then continues to chop wood, okay?  The guy who punched a bear in the face (which is a story I will share with you another time). A Bear.  In the Face. No lie, ask my Mom.  It was trying to get his barbecue cover.   Completely insufferable.

Anyhow, the guy's arm was getting terribly restless when all of the sudden, I guess that he just had to make himself more comfortable, so his head started to flop in my direction..... slowly creeping down toward me like I wouldn't notice him leaning on me if he went slowly enough.  My Dad and I were watching the whole process silently.   30 seconds into his seamless act (which has no doubt worked for him countless other times), his head flops onto my shoulder and his hand accidentally flopped onto my boob.  Accidentally. 

So I nudged Dad and pointed at the hand boob dilemma. This guy is thinking that he's gotten away with something.  He didn't notice the seat switcheroo. He didn't notice my Dad leaning over watching.

Dad's gorilla sized hand discreetly reached over and took hold of the man's hand.  I think the guy thought it was me gently taking his hand for a split second because when he opened up his eyes, they said, "This is really happening for me!"  Then my Dad said, "Let me shake your hand there, Partner"

There was a notable rolling crunch as Dad shook the man's hand and I watched the blood drain out of the man's face, sweat bead up on his forehead and he shriveled into the back of his seat like a wet cheese puff.  He actually shriveled.

The hand slipped back over to his own side, cradled under his chin.  He was definitely awake now.  Dad and I then switched seats so that he would get to sit beside my Dad for the rest of the way.  Wouldn't you know it, he didn't even nod off one time?  I enjoyed watching Captain Romance sweat and stare into the back of the seat in front of him.  Eyes forward.  Silent.  His wife perked up a bit too.  I think this was pretty fun for her. 

I worry about her.

Now, Readers, I know that there are more mature ways to deal with this kind of scenario... but this is my favourite way. It's just a little teeeeeeeny bit of violence, okay?  Plus, I think the guy was cured of his pesky Narco-Feeleritis, too. 

True story and Happy Birthday to my Dad.



Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Chelle. Listen to me now. This SAME thing happened to me on a plane. Sleepy McFeelyhands with his hand on my thighs. I was 19, and alone, and way too sweet about the whole thing. I was all, "Oh poor guy. I feel so embarrassed for him." *removes hand from thigh, places it ever so gently back on his side, keeps reading*

It would be a different story now, I tell ya. Although... nobody ever wants to touch my thighs anymore. Probably because I'm so mature and confident now.

Happy birthday, Chelle's big badass daddy!

Chelle said...

BECKY, Did he have a single eyebrow??? You have to try and remember! Herb Tarlek hair? THINK!

Cake Betch said...

Fucking amazing. You make me LOL and pee a little.

ajm said...

So between the old crazy lady and the sleepy perv, who was worse? It's a tough call, I'd say.

Love your dad. Rock on. said...

How could this man do all of this action in front of his wife? Geez, if you want to try and get some, at least do it when she's not around.


Laoch of Chicago said...

I am still hung up on the sorrow of the band of brothers who are still waiting for their trip to Hawaii.

yvonne@attractedtoshinythings said...

Just an awesome story, full of prisms and birthday cake. Plus some dank, rotting wood infested with termites. But the birthday cake won, yay!

laughingmom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ed said...

Nothing like this ever happens to me on a plane.

I've even tried putting my thighs ON womens hands while offering them a pillow and roofie.


What's a guy gotta do to get groped at 38,000 ft?

mark fellows said...

I thought it was funny, because yeah, I hate flying also, but then I got pissed off, and anxious at that guy, and wanted to punch him in the face.

I hate flying!!

Chelle said...

cakey cake (that's what I call you now. Like "marky mark" but cakier)- Stawwwwp.

ajm- Perv. At least the old lady was entertaining.

Shanimals- I don't know, I'd have locked him in the bathroom and high tailed it.

Laoch- They were all grown up by then. They got to go when they were little.

yvonne- cake rocks

deleted comment- I read you and you were funny.

Ed- Try being an underage girl. It helps.

Mark F- But you didn't have to punch him! My Dad crushed his hand for him! Win for everyone.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I cann't BELIEVE you referenced Herb Tarlek. Who ARE you, Chelle Movies??

It was long ago, but in my memory he looked a little like Dr. 90210, aka Mr. Martial Arts/Deep Neck T-shirt guy. The hair though, I can't be certain. There's a chance that yes, we are...*zoom in on my face*... grope twins. *music swells*

laughingmom said...

First time I've thought that I might have crossed the line - Oh well there's a first for everything. I did really like this post!

SherilinR said...

i haven't gotten any "sleep" gropers on planes yet. but i did get propositioned once by a male flight attendant when i was on a short flight & there were no other passengers. awkward!

Miss Yvonne said...

No one ever talks to me on planes. I must have a really great bitchy face when I fly or something.

Antares Cryptos said...

Thought I was a weirdo magnet until I read this. Is that why your hair is now standing straight up?

dbs said...

I hope that guy got his arm caught between a rock and cave wall and had to cut if off with toe-nail clippers. Bastard.
P.S. Frame 2 (in particular because they're all awesome) of the barf bag sequence is pure gold. Graphic novel please.

Chelle said...

Steamy- *runs into the wall* *splashes water on face* *chews all fingernails at once*

laughing- nah.

Sherilin- I think we are all wanting to know the same answer.... Did he... y'know... share his pretzels?

Miss- Hmm... Try reading a book to yourself and trying to look like you don't want anyone to bug you.

Antares- No.. that's just good genetics.

DBS- someone's been watching the movie, "One Twenty Seeeeeveeeeenn......."

hed said...


Except for when you tell the "my dad punched a bear in the face" one. I am seriously looking forward to that.



Phil said...

My hand has never been the same. And perhaps your former seat mates are writing blogs about being weirdo magnets! "You wouldn't believe this girl I sat next to on the plane! She went on and on about her blog..."

nova said...

I love your dad right now. Punching a bear in the face is the greatest feat that any man has ever performed on earth ever in space and time. And the subtle "let me shake your hand", rather than just straight up killing the guy (which he probably wanted to do) was genius.

I'm lucky that I just kind of scare people away on my own...I'm kind of like the "clownz" person.

Elly Lou said...

Happy Birthday Chelle's dad! I'm gonna punch my cat in the face in solidarity!

Jules said...

Happy Birthday to your dad!!

And I can't BELIEVE you didn't find out who the famous foster kid was!


Caleb said...


"The guy who punched a bear in the face"

Um, what? This is not a story for another day. This is a story for RIGHT NOW.

You don't just "punch bears in the face," okay? I'm probably going to end up making up my own version of the story until you tell me actually happened.

Okay... picturing. There's 1 brat left, on the grill. Your dad's hand and the bear's paw both reach for it at the same time. They stop. They make eye contact. Then the bear says "your mother's a whore" and your dad's like "oh no you dih-ent" and uppercuts him like Ryu on Street Fighter.


Caleb out.

Please tell us the bear story.

Chelle said...

Hed- Oh I'll tell it one day.

Phil- I like to tell strangers ALLLLL about my blog. ALL. THE. TIME.

Nova- Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

Elly- Punch him good.

Jules- I know. She seemed like the kind of person you don't prod.

Caleb- Yeah, that's not even his best story. I'm making him tell me all his stories so that I can write a book and make us both rich on his crazy awesomeness.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Nice one on your Dad. It's creeps like that guy on the plane that gives us blokes a bad name. Well done.

Kev D. said...

Awesome story.

What was the guy's overall gameplan, just to cop a cheap feel? Or did he think maybe if he grazed your boob just right you would take him to the bathroom with you?

In any case, cheers to your Dad.

Kristy said...

Your dad could probably beat up Chuck Norris. (But you didn't hear it from me!)

Also? Why is everyone so focused on the pervy guy? That's clearly a common occurrence. I'm more disturbed by the dude with the vomit fetish. I spent 7 hours on a plane yesterday with two sick kids and a sick husband. I would have happily traded seats with someone and sat next to the gropy guy.

mark fellows said...

Yeah I know. It would have been funny but the guy just kept going. It irritates me to think of someone pushy like that. Once would be funny, but I would say the guy really has a problem, since he kept persisting. His poor wife sure, but what about the girl that doesn't have her father around? I know my comment isn't funny, so sorry about that, but just wanted to clarify. Glad yer pa was there!

Logical Libby said...

I bet her daughter was Katie Couric. That just sounds like Katie.

Chelle said...

Tony- Nah. I can't lump all men together with that guy or else you might think all women are like Nancy Grace!

Kev- I'm not sure. I think he takes whatever he can get. This time it was a broken hand.

Kristy- My Dad could totally beat up Chuck Norris. And vomit guy? Yeah. Creepay.

Mark- I really do worry about his wife. I highly suspect he's very abusive. Obviously.

Libby- That's why Katie asks all the hard questions.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

OMGoodness. THIS one is Hilarious! And the drawings. The drawings! Even though I think you are pretty amazing, I would not want to sit by you on a plane. Just sayin' Don't take it personal ok? LOL

Modern Day Luddite said...

OK, I love Uncle Bruce. <3 I too want to hear the bear story, but I didn't doubt it's authenticity for one second.

I also have weird events on planes, but never a groper. I did have a woman once threaten to cut off her legs right there on the plane, if I insisted on putting my seat back (how unreasonable of me, since it was 3 a.m. and we were ALL trying to sleep).

Another time I had a full-blown panic attack on the plane...but the fun part was I got to go through two tanks of oxygen up where the stewardess' sit (is that what they still call them??). Anyway, one of the stewardesses was a lovely woman in a pencil skirt and pumps, pearls and red lipstick, adam's apple and hairy chest. She let me read her "studying to be a flight attendant (oh yeah, that's what they call them)" guidebook while I inhaled all the nice oxygen. I became quite alarmed when one of the sample multiple-choice questions went a little something like this:

If there should be a fire on the plane, should you:

a) run screaming down the aisle screaming "every man for himself!"
b) alert the captain
c) hide in the restroom and hope another attendant puts it out

Those questions did not help with the anxiety.

The Wandering Oak's 365 said...

This was an amazing story! The artwork is brilliant! And your dad now appears to be everybody's hero! :)

*ps: unrelated, but to answer your question: Yes I will keep posting photos, but not as regularly. I want to get back into writing again on my neglected main blog.

Anonymous said...

Awesome dad, Cool as, he reminds me of my grandpa, in a good way, like the way if he ever meets my boyfriend he will pull out his biggest most deadly shot-gun, and start cleaning it. Good man. Love the blog, keep working please!

Erin said...

Yuggghhh!!! Disgusting and yet hilarious! It reminds me of fifth period Spanish class my junior year of high school. This boy who sat behind me was always getting drunk on rootbeer schnapps at lunchtime, and then coming to class to cop a feel on me. Wish I'd punched him in the nose!

Anonymous said...

That? Is why I LOVE Canadian men! A distant Canadian relative once kicked a bear in the ass on a bet. You and I might be related.

Plus, the same thing used to happen to me on planes (and other places). I was very tall, and somewhat frail looking as a girl. Total weirdo / gropey target.

Thankfully I also have an explosive temper, so my response was always to start punching and shrieking, "Oh, somebody please help me!" You should try it some time; they never know what hit 'em.

Chelle said...

AA- I am wonderful to sit next to. People relate to me.

Kali- Westjet rocks.

Will- Good!

Anon- I haven't even broached the subject of my Grandpa. I need a new blog for that.

Erin- There are so many people I wish I'd have punched in the nose.

Anon- Yeah... we might. Because I didn't even talk about the time my Dad made my Mom pull her vehicle over because he wanted to kick a bear in the arse as it nosed around in a culvert. I thought it might be overkill.

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