Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Am Fishbelly Shakira.

So, the other day during a Hellmart run, I spotted a wii game on the back shelf of the exercisey games area.  Readers, I rarely play video games but this one caught my attention. Sure, I had a brief emotional affair with Plants vs Zombies, but who didn't experiment once or twice?  Okay, and Angry Birds, but that was for science.  I called it "Chicken Launcher" but that was last summer and my mother kept stealing it and laughing as she tried to play it and usually wouldn't give it back, insisting that she was only looking.  So there is that going in my favour. Ok so maybe I dabbled in a touch of The Sims here and there, but only about once a year...
Mainly I liked to make the Sims look like certain people who I hate.  I gave them nasty, lazy personalities (dirty, lazy whores who won't get jobs) and gave them really depressing Sim lives.  Then I made them have too many babies and die. Stop looking at me like that again.  There is nothing wrong with self expression via the medium of animated graphic art every now and again.  WHAT? I'm healthy. 


PS,  I ran into a large Walmart lady's hind quarters while texting and driving my cart at Walmart.  Oops. 

Anyhow, this is not about The Sims and wreaking havoc on my CGI enemies.  The game I spotted is called Zumba Wii.  I know, I know... everyone has heard of Zumba.  Everyone.  In fact, I'd heard about it years ago but have always been too afraid of injuring someone to take a class.  Really.  You don't know, Readers... you don't know.  Want to know what kinds of things I'm not good at?  Watch me try to follow latin dance steps to a beat that I didn't make up and only I can hear it.

Oh sure, I can cut a rug in style at an interpretive seizure party if I've had a couple of refreshments to really loosen me up, and I can actually two-step a little *flashes a shrewd smile*, but only because I had to learn how if I wanted to participate in my small town's social scene.  I don't have to like it, but I can repeat slow-slow-quickquick to myself and look at my feet as I tromp around a dance floor to The Lone Ranger with my cousins at a wedding if I must.  I've also been known to invent a dance or two as well... take, for example, "Microwaving the Dinner" or "The Runaway Wheelchair" Or even the "Rolling Sherpa".  Those caught on like gangbusters.  I'm sure you do them all the time and had no idea that I started them *casually checks manicure*.

Please don't unfollow me, Readers.  It's just a part of my past.  Come on,  I was isolated in the remote North of Canada.  I even took two-step lessons once with my brother and his girlfriend.  (H'oh man... This is sounding even worse. I need to crank up the awesome... 3....2......1...) And guess what else I can do?

Polka! (tack on 54 zillion cool points now).  I speak truth. 

PS?  In Northern Alberta Canada, the polka is danced to AC/DC's Shook Me All Night Long at weddings sometimes.   You make your own fun.   Pretty much EXACTLY like this:

Their practice paid off in dividends. 

But this is about Zumba.  Zumba for my Wii.  (Can you imagine if I'd have said, "I got Zumba for my Wii and I'm putting it in my Blog tonight" ten years ago?  My mother would have slapped me!). Anyhow, Zumba is like aerobic Latin Dancing or some shit.  All I know is that it is hard, you guys.  Super duper hard. It's all Shakira-y and guess what?  Shakira's job is harder than I thought.   Yeah,  I thought she just had to drink some red bulls and make out with Michael J Fox for an hour or so to get those moves.  I just thought her fan belt was loose or somthing.  Turns out she is in incredibly good shape.  That hussy. 

You know what else?  Zumba wii is way harder than stupid dance dance revolution.  Well, it's easier to win, but you sweat buckets.  What you're supposed to do, Everyone, is mirror the dancer on the screen and it measures your hip movements and you fill the 'dance meter' as you correctly mimic the rainbow people.  I did my very best.  I shook my hips around and tried to copy the moves.

I found that the key is to keep your hips going in a sexy, rhythmic Latin way at all times and to pay close attention.
  

Really close attention.  Let your surroundings disappear so that you can concentrate on just the moves. 
Work it.  Be Zen.






   

Soon, I'll be the fishbelly white version of Shakira... who still wears the grey jogging pants that she accidentally stole from her Dad four summers ago.

So that's how my exercise regimen is going. 

34 comments:

Elly Lou said...

I'm totally distracted by that last pic, lady. Love your ukulele, just don't LOVE your ukulele.

Erin Dawn said...

One of my ex's is from a tiny shithole, I mean village, in northern AB. His folks LOVED the Friday night small town dances. I remember them trying to pressure me to go to one and I blatanly refused. I'm also from a small town and to this day I've yet to attend one...

Mmm, Zumba. I've been thinking about trying it for a while now. Your pictures have me sold.

Chelle said...

Elly- NEvermind YOU. Aren't you pregnant or something? Yeah. I thought so.

Erin- Um.. which town? I MUST KNOW.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I started laughing at Rolling Sherpa and couldn't stop.

I love your helicopter arm.

hed said...

Screw Zumba-now I want a Polka game for the Wii! That shit looks FUN!

hed

northwesterlywind said...

uh oh, DDR, is like the hardest thing I've ever done...Zumba is officially beyond me...

Antares Cryptos said...

Not to worry, I'm sure they'll come out with Zumbies soon.

Lazarus said...

Chelle, Becky (SMUK) was right, you are hilarious. Great post, looking forward to more as one of your newest followers (and thanks for the follow back)!

Erin Dawn said...

Chelle...starts with a B and rhymes with oil.

Chelle said...

Erin- You lost me. There are no towns in Northern Alberta that start with a b and rhyme with oil...? I can't figure it out! I'm terrible at this.

Chelle said...

Steamy- That's actually another dance I invented, along with the "Speculum Watusi" and "Smash the Ceiling Fan".

Hed- Oh totally.

North- At least there isn't Wii Birth.

AC- I know they will. What's a zumbie?

Lazarus- Thanks!!

dbs said...

In Saskatchewan no one walks. They just polka. It's quite entertaining at the SAAN store.
P.S. She Wolf, the Video. Shakira may have a hot bod but she has issues.

Chelle said...

DBS- I need to go to Saskatchewan some day, I guess.

Cake Betch said...

So this is pretty much how my workout routine is going, minus the work out part. I woke up this morning and have a severe pain that stretches from my neck down into my right shoulder blade and if I move in any direction at all it hurts like a bitch. That's about all the work out I'm getting. Sigh.

Ellenspot said...

I remember those small town dances up north and the two-step. This had me laughing out loud (too funny to use just the initials).

Miss Tsa said...

HAHA...I'm laughing so hard right now. Your drawings are priceless. I have zumba for my kinect. Lets just say I'm never in sync with the dammed thing. i think they think my "hips" are down by my knees.

Cait said...

Yes. We're sweat pant twins!

Erin Dawn said...

(Boyle)...by Athabasca.

Phil said...

You know that instead of cartoons you can post actual video of yourself Zumba-ing. At an indoor track I run at there is often Zumba classes going on and I just know I'd be a danger to myself and others if I attempted it.

laughingmom said...

That's exactly what I look like when I play Wii sports - the geriatric version!

Chelle said...

Cake- You need a massage. It's your trapezoid... trapeze... trapezius muscle. Clearly I know what I'm talking about.

Ellen- Yeah, you got to witness! Lucky.

Miss- Aren't they? Maybe i don't know my anatomy as well as I thought.

Cait- *awkward high 5*

Erin- OoOooooooh. I don't know him then. That's really all that I was getting at.

Phil- I actually can't post an actual video? Because I would die.

laughing- wait.. there is a geriatic version???!? Need.

Caleb said...

Unsurprisingly, I have played trumpet in a few polka bands, and I was even propositioned by an old gal once who asked if I was "spoken for" in the polka hop contest. I stuttered that I was in the band, not just here for the fun of it, but she persisted. I spilled my drink and ran, like ya do.

Also, you said "interpretive seizure party."

I knew I liked you.

Caleb

ajm said...

Gah! I've asked the Easter Bunny to bring me Zumba for the Wii for Easter. Because I'm tired of attempting it in front of strangers. I'd rather make my family suffer that agony.

Josée said...

Oh my God Chelle how do you do it? I'm peeing my pants. I'd love to have coffee with you sometime. (I'm a little bit afraid, but a lot curious...)

Kelly said...

I love this? I love this.

I tried to do one of those FIT DANCE AEROBIC videos, thinking "HOW HARD CAN IT BE?"

I basically just spent fifteen minutes jumping up and down and dying from confusion and then passed out on the floor in a puddle of chubby heart palpitations.

Next time you want to exercise, come to my house. We'll pop in the video and then sit on the couch and eat cookies.

allison, a flea circus said...

i cannot count how many tapes (i'm old), DVDs, downloads, wii "games" etc. i have tried that involve "sexy" dance moves. i come in all innocent and hopeful each time. i once tried to teach myself, and my 8 yr. old daughter how to bellydance. don't judge. apparently, it's working for shakira. i never end up anywhere but feeling completely humiliated, large, and eternally clumsy. yeah. i didn't stop to comment to add anything witty. actually just to say i get it. i don't even like the grapevine.

Antares Cryptos said...

Zumba for zombies. I think.

SherilinR said...

i have those same sexy grey sweatpants, but they're the shorts version. you know, so i can show off my chubby fishbelly cankles. nothing says, "do me" like a pasty cankle.

nova said...

I am in awe that you had the guts to do the moves at all. I'd be too embarrassed. Even alone. I'm just. Too. Albertan.

Also? I thought the couple in that video were REALLY cool. For real. "You make your own fun." Hahaha

Chelle said...

Caleb- Those parties are hard to get invited to.

ajm- It's not agony for the family because they can openly make fun of you whereas strangers can't.

Josee- Afraid of ME?

Kelly- It's about getting your heart rate up.

Allison- Yep.. me too. But onward and.. upwardish.

AC- Of course!

Sherilin- Cankles are the new junk in the trunk... right?

Nova- Oh but you should.

Mars said...

Please move to San Antonio and be my bestie til one of us breaks the tv and my husband throws us out. It will be awesome.

Chelle said...

You know, I don't know you at all? But I think this sounds like a good idea.

CkretsGalore said...

HAHAHA Love the comment about ACDC polka.

I can totally see that happening in Ft. Mac.

Chelle said...

Woo Ft Mac!

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